Two Parts Wry Observations: The Superbowl and controvesial ads

I'm not even going to start in on the Tim Tebow commericial with his mom.  I just can't wait for a few years to pass, and we all will wonder, "Whatever happened to that annoying guy from Florida?"

The latest controversy is over an add from a gay dating service.  You can see it below.  The written descriptions of the add were more graphic than the add itself, which is pretty funny. 

What's truly disturbing is that a Green Bay and a Vikings fan are the ones making out.  I'm very liberal, but I will not tolerate inter-rivalry relationships.  Which reminds me of this gem from ESPN.

Your lips are so soft?

Wuss.

Alefest!

Alefest Columbus is next weekend. 150 Craft brews from 60 breweries.  I've never been there before.  I imagine that it's going to be something like this....

Das Boot!

Das Boot!

Das Boot!

Many Drafts from the Cultural Hub of the Midwest

Two Brothers Cane and Ebel
Web Stuff: This unique red rye beer is full of hop flavor and aroma. We add 70 pounds of Thai palm sugar to each batch. The sugar does not add much sweetness to the beer, but rather a fruity and vanilla-like flavor. A new hop variety call Summit is really showcased here. This 18% alpha hop is also very aromatic which gives a pungent citrus aroma. Then we heavily dryhopped the beer with Simcoe. Original, yes and that is no sin.

I originally tried this beer a few months ago and thought that it was too sweet.  It was my first beer of the night tonight and I was impressed at my first sip.  It is really fruity.  Unfortunately, the hops are way to strong and you get a really bitter aftertaste.  $6MMm used to love this beer.  He thought that it was too bitter tonight.  I actually like this batch better than the first one that I had tasted.  This is a craft brew lesson.  It's not Budweiser.  It may taste different from batch to batch.

Grade: B-

Barley's MacLenny's Scottish Ale a slightly malty, butterscotch colored ale. We carmelize the malt at the beginning of the brewing process, producing toffee-like undertones.

This beer is pretty much as described.  It's sweet, somewhat malty, but not to far out of balance.

Grade: B

Darkhorse Brewery Tres Blueberry Stout:  Quite the abomination.  $6MMm thinks that it tastes like coffee grounds.  I don't remember WWK's exact words, but they were not positive.  I thought that it was smokey like a shitty porter, with a slight blueberry aftertaste that I would have never noticed if I did not know that the beer had blueberries in it.  I know some people that like this type of beer. I'm not one of them.

Grade: D

Not all beers deserve their own post

Here's 3 of them

Troeg's Dream Weaver Wheat Beer:  Tastes like a belgian.  Dumped it.
Grade: F

Magic Hat Lucky Kat: All the grossness of a belgian with the bitterness of a double IPA
Grade: C-

Smuttynose IPA:  meh?
Grade: B-

C-Buzzed: BJ's Brewhouse

This is a chain of "micro" breweries.  Columbus' restaurant is located up on Polaris Parkway.  Which is where I work.  Also located in the area is Babies R Us.  I had to meet Mrs. Rye there to attend an info session about car seats and strollers.  Nothing says child car safety like stopping by the pub for a pint.

This actually turned into 2 1/2.  Mrs. Rye called as I was finishing my dinner and told me that the class was at 6:30, not 6:00 after all.  Which led to Mrs. Rye having to shush me for heckling the demo guy.

Demo Guy: This model has the crumple bar, which protects your baby by.. uh... crumpling.
Me: Pbbptt!

I can recommend their open faced meatloaf sandwich for good pub grub.

BJ's annual grand cru:  One definition of insanity is that you keep doing the same thing and expect different results.  For some reason, I keep trying different belgian style ales.  This one was somewhat drinkable, with orange and other citrus notes helping to make up for the general stomach acid flavor of the style.
Grade: C

Tempest IPA:  An ok IPA
Grade: B-

I finished it off with a Guiness, because I wanted a light beer.

Fun BJ's brewhouse fact.  All of the non-Ohio restaurants brew their beer on site.  Ohio's liquor laws are such a pain in the ass that our beers are brewed in Reno, which has the capacity to double their output, and shipped here 3 days after being kegged.

Two Parts Wry: Don't hate the playmaker, hate the game

AFC Championship:  Manning is the best.  Moving on.

NFC Championship:  Favre's taking a beating.  Adrian Peterson went to a New Orleans brothel and caught a bad case of fumble-itis.  It's a horrific venereal disease.  No matter how tightly you hold onto your balls, they are going to fall to the ground.  Ghastly.

Careful, it's contagious.

Fast forward to the 4th quarter and somehow the Vikings are driving for the winning field goal.  3rd and 10 from the 39 yard line, Vikings call time out with 19 seconds left in the game.  They come back on the field with 12 men in the huddle and get called for a penalty.

America Shouts "What a bunch of idiots!"

3rd and 15:  Farve rolls right and has 5-10 yards of green grass in front of him.  Which will put them in field goal range.

America Shouts "Run!"

Favre throws it across his body into the middle of the field.  Interception.

America Shouts "Are you fucking kidding me!"

Jim texts BHC.  "He's just a playmaker making plays."
BHC texts back: "An old gunslinger trying to have fun."

It took almost 18 complete games for bad Brett to show up.  I have to say that I bought into the old man.  I've reached the point in my life where I call the players kids.  It was nice to have someone out there older than me.

Oh yeah.  The Saint's won in overtime with the help of a couple of gift calls from the refs.

This is great!

I present to you.  Charlie the drunk guinea pig.

Two Brothers Prairie Path Golden Ale

Web Stuff: Prairie Path Ale is brewed with Belgian malts that lend a golden hue and toasty malt character. It is balanced with Saaz and Goldings hops for a slight hop flavor and finish. 

This is a clean, crisp, beer that is light in color but not in flavor.
 
Is it a clean, crisp, beer that is light in color but not in flavor?  Yes
 
Go on...  Euro ingredients without Euro skunkiness.  Well done.
 
Cost: Mix & Match 6 pack
Grade: B

Schäfer 2003 Pinot Noir - Auslese

This is a pinot noir from Germany that's very sweet.  Actually, it's quite Kool-Aidish.  I bought it to go with the paella for last night's dinner.  It's not sangria sweet, but it's in the ball park.  It's ok.  The seafood and spices bring out some of the structure in the wine.  Food and wine working well together.

Drinker, angry football fan, fantastic cook as well.

Needs to work on the photography though....

Cost: $8.99 for 500 ml, which is 2/3 of a normal bottle

Grade: C+

Two Parts Wry Conference Championship Weekend

All of the truly hated turds have been eliminated.  We'll have to do some math in order to figure out who to hate the most.

Indy vs Jets

The Colts:

-1 because Peyton Manning is in every commercial
+1 because they are good
+1 for this.  Sorry for the quality

-1 For Frank Sanders being overrated and always injured

-3 One for each ligament that Anthony Gonzalez tore while standing still

-1 because Bill Polian is an asshole

Total: -1

The Jets:

+1 for Nick Mangold from THE OSU

-1 Bart Scott, ex-Raven asshole

-4 million for Alan Faneca's salary during his contract year in Pittsburgh.  He phoned it in.  Keep in mind, that when he signed his last deal in Pitt, he was the highest paid guard in the NFL.

+1 for Vernon Gholston, THE OSU

-1 because he's a bust

-7000 for each calorie that Rex Ryan eats daily

Total: -4,007,004

Looks like I hate the Jets more than I realized

Up next, the Starcaps Bowl.  New Orleans vs Minnisota

Saints:

+1 for Drew Brees making Va Tech look foolish for releasing him and keeping Phillip Rivers.

-1 for that thing on his face.

+1 for Will Smith THE OSU.

+1 for Malcolm Jenkins THE OSU.

-1 Reggie Bush

+1 for Reggis Bush breaking up with Kim Kardashian

-1 for getting back together

-1 for Shockey

Total: 0

Vikings:

+1 for Favre getting it done at 40

-2 for retiring twice

-2 for each time AP single handedly beat me in fantasy football this season.

+1 Antoine Winfield THE OSU

-1 Chilly's Port Stache

+7 for the rub it in touchdown that they hung up on Dallas last week

Total: 4

Looks like were cheering for Colts vs Vikings.  Which is the game that everyone wants to see anyway.

Tales from the top shelf: Bushmills 16 Year Old Malt

All good things must come to an end.  Tonight, I'm laying an old friend down to rest.  My trusty bottle of Bushmill's 16 is now empty.  I remember when I bought it and Mrs. Rye saw the receipt.  A lesson was learned that day.  Don't let your wife see how much you spend on top shelf liquor.  Good times.

Web stuff:  The distinctive Irish Malt whiskey is aged for 16 years in a combination of Oloroso Sherry and Bourbon-seasoned casks, then matured for several months in Port Wine Barrel - a unique maturation which imparts distinct notes of juicy fruits, nuts and spices, as well as a hint of ruby redness.

Nose: Big, robust.  Treacle toffee and sweet spice.
Palate:  Praline, honey, full bodied.  Caramelized fruits, toasted nuts.
Finish:  Deep.  Jammed berries and dark chocolate.

Pretend to be a connoisseur and review this whiskey:  The finish is very spicy.  I get a hint of 12 Molar Ammonia, almost pass out, brace myself and enjoy the sweetness.  There is a lot of toasted barley and assorted flavors from the various barrels.  I really do get a momentary ammonia moment, but it's actually quite pleasant and interesting.
 
Cost: Approximately $70-80

Grade: B+
Cost Adjusted Grade: B

Sierra Nevada Glissade Golden Bock

Web stuff: As winter begins its slide toward the sunny days of spring, we bring you Glissade Golden Bock to help you enjoy the ride. Glissade is a remarkably mellow take on the traditional spring bock. With restrained sweetness, we emphasize subtle malt flavor, balanced against delicate aromas of spicy and floral European hops. This complex balance helps Glissade slide across the palate—bracing us against the last cold nights of winter, while its bright golden color turns our thoughts toward spring.


alcohol content 6.4% by volume yeast Lager Yeast
beginning gravity 15.5
Plato bittering hops German Magnum & German Perle ending gravity 3.2
Plato bitterness units 42
finishing hops German Spalter, Slovenian Aurora & Styrian
malts Two-row Pale, Europils, Munich & Crystal

The Tasting Experience: I've tried a lot of new beers this week and it seems like everyone is swinging for the fences.  I've had some home runs, and some massive whiffs.  Guess where this one falls.  My tasting notes from last night are "Another skunky, swampy european flavored beer."  Central european malts and hops are definitely not my thing.  At least I didn't have to dump it.

Update:  I had this at a beer tasting, and it was slightly better, improving the grade to from a C- to a ...
Grade: C+

Widmer Brothers the Original Drifter Pale Ale

Web Stuff:  With its unique citrus character, smooth drinkability, and distinctive hop character, Drifter Pale Ale is truly an original. Brewed with generous amounts of Summit hops, a variety known for their intense citrus flavors and aromas, Drifter has a taste unique to the Pale Ale category. True to style, the bittering hops are perceptible enough to give the beer a crisp, clean, quenching finish, yet also soft enough to keep the beer smooth and balanced.


How does it taste?  Pretty much like they say above.  I find that my taste in craft brew is drifting towards balanced flavors.  It makes me feel like a stuffy wine critic that complains about "fruit bomb" wines.  I don't mind big alcohol, big hops, I just want balance in the flavor.  This is a very tasty drinkable pale ale.  Well done folks.

Cost: Mix & Match 6 pack
Grade: A

Avery Brabant Barrel Aged Wild Ale

AKA, fucked by wild yeasts again.

Ale aged in Zinfandel barrels.  Hmmm, that sounds interesting.  Unfortunately, I didn't read the fine print where it says "fermented with two wild strains of wild yeast".

Yep, another fucking expensive bottle of vinegar.

My language is appropriate because I've dumped $25 worth of beer down the drain this week.  If you are going to use wild yeast, you better throw some fruit in there and make a lambic, otherwise it's vinegar.  The $6MMm was at the house when I popped this one open.  He was just as appalled as I was.

Cost: $8.99 for 12 oz
Grade: F

Drafts From the Cultural Hub of the Midwest: Columbus Brewing Company Black IPA

WWK was at Bob's tonight.  I always wonder if my friends are going to punch me when I haven't seen them for a while.  If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know what I'm saying.  I have not seen him since I gave him the identity of a virus crazed vampire that wants to kill Will Smith.  (Search the site for Christmas Ale or WWK?)

Now to the beer.  There's not much on the web.  Apparently it's the first release of their Hop Odyssey series.  I'm more of a fan of the hop Illiad series myself.

It's really hoppy with an aftertaste of some type of dark dried fruit.
Raisins... Nope
Dates... Nope
Prunes... Nope

I don't know what it is.  I just think I got my RDA of fiber.

You went black, will you be going back?  I'm the Tiger Woods of beer drinkers.  I can't be tied down to just one beer.

Grade: B+

Rogue Morimoto Soba Ale

FYI Soba = Buckwheat

Web Stuff:
Style: Specialty Grain Food Pairing: Seafood, Poultry

Tasting Notes: The delicate flavor of our roasted Soba brings a nutty finish to this light and refreshing ale. A perfect accompaniment to lighter cuisine.

8 Ingredients:
Malts: Roasted Soba, Harrington, Metcalf, Munich & C-15.
Hops: Crystal.
Yeast & Water: Rogue’s Pacman Yeast & Free Range Coastal Water.

Specs:
12º PLATO
30 IBU
75 AA
14º Lovibond

You look happy for a change:  This beer is delicious.  It has a subtle honey flavor balanced by the hops in the finish.

Are you saying that it's O'Tay?  Stop it.

Cost: $4.99 for 22 oz

Grade: A

Cost Adjusted Grade: A

Strada S Felice

Amber Ale Brewed with Chestnuts

I was very excited to try this one.  Then I tasted it.  It's almost as sour as a gueze.  Which translate to "damn near vinegar".  Not at all what I was expecting.  Maybe I got an off bottle.  Either way, it's not worth the money to searh for a good one.

Cost: $16.99 for 20 oz.
Grade: F
Cost Adjusted Grade: F

Two Parts Wry NFL Playoff Divisional Round Recap

Hate went 4-0 this weekend.  Does that make me happy?

No, just slightly less bitter.

•  New Orleans whipped the Cardinals.
•  Indy handled Baltimore.  Which was a game that I found very satisfying.  Except for the BS helmet to helment call on Ray Lewis.  He may twitch like an epileptic peacock, but he's a hell of a football player and that was a great hit.  Would not have changed the outcome of the game however.
•  The Favres whipped the Cowboys.  My black heart enjoyed the rub-it-in TD at the end.
• The Jets beat Va. Tech.  The Chargers flame out in the playoffs again.

Seizure or Asshole?  You decide.

Drafts from the Cultural Hub of the Midwest: He'Brew Lenny's Bittersweet RIPA

Web Stuff:  "Satire equals tragedy plus time."


Lenny Bruce

Emmis, Shmuck! 40 years alive. Over 40 years dead. And shares of Lenny Bruce commodities are still long-term performers - solid! Sure there's been books, posters, films, plays, a box set of course. But the big Four-O inspires innovation, something hip, modern - unorthodox - a taste that really swings...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Shmaltz Brewing Co. is proud to present Bittersweet Lenny's R.I.P.A. Brewed with an obscene amount of malts and hops. Shocking flavors - far beyond contemporary community standards. We cooked up the straight dope for the growing minyans of our nation's Radical Beer junkies. Judges may not be able to define "Radical Beer," but you'll damn well know it when you taste it. Bruce died, officially declared a pauper by the State of California, personally broken and financially bankrupt simply for challenging America's moral hypocrisies with words. The memorial playbill read: "Yes, we killed him. Because he picked on the wrong god." -Directed by, the Courts, the Cops, the Church... and his own self-destructive super ego. Like Noah lying naked and loaded in his tent after the apocalyptic deluge: a witness, a patron saint, a father of what was to come. Sick, Dirty, Prophetic Lenny: a scapegoat, a martyr, a supreme inspiration.

From Burlesque to Broadway, Carnegie Hall to the Courtroom, Long Island to Lima, Ohio to L.A. I've been to Lima. They're not drinking this beer in that town., savor the provocative spirit of Lenny's R.I.P.A., our HE'BREW monument to the richness, the bitterness and the sacred sweetness that is life... L'Chaim!

Blah, blah, blah.  Get to the beer!  This was a beer that'll knock you on your ass.  Drink it while sitting down.  The bottled version was part of the world tour.  When I ordered it, Flo the bartender asked if I had biked instead of driven.  A rare moment of care from a bitter Cleveland fan.  The draft version tastes hoppier than the bottled beer.

Grade: B+

Two Parts Wry NFL Playoff Divisional Round

This one will be quick.  For those who missed last weeks preview, I am a true football fan.  I hate every team that's not the Steelers.  If your team's not in it, then you have to decide who you hate the least, and cheer for them.

I hate the Colts less than the Ravens.

I hate the Minnessota Favres less than the Dallas

I hate the Jets less than Virginia Tech (AKA The San Diego Chargers)

I hate New Orleans less than Arizona.

Tales from the top shelf: Prichards' Double Barreled Bourbon

This is a gift from Cousin David that he dropped off a month or so ago.  He visited again last weekend and let me know that its OK to say that I don't like it on the blog.  The thing is, I do like it.  Typically, I would say:

Cost: $57.99 in Tennessee, not available in Ohio
Grade: B+
Cost Adjusted Grade: B

I'd say that if I hadn't done my research first.  This is what you see when you go to their web site.

Kind of hard to take it seriously.

The irony of this image is that 99% of Tennesseeans don't believe in global warming.

Dark Horse Brewery Crooked Tree IPA

Web stuff:  Inspired by West Coast I.P.A.'s, but brewed with Michigan style.  The Crooked Tree is heavily dry hopped to give it a big aroma of pine and citrus.  Pine yes, citrus no. The flavors are big, yet very balanced between fresh hops and malt. Often described as "grapefruit" our hops give this beer an excellent fruit flavor that finishes dry, crisp, and clean. It will pour a nice deep copper color with a bit of haziness. Because of our almost patented "Intense Transfer Methods" our Crooked Tree has won several medals in the India Pale Ale category.

Testify!  It's a good American style IPA.  It's just a tad too bitter, which is appropriate for Michigan.  As far as Michigan style goes, the kids got it right.  We like to keep it classy here in Columbus.  I hate to admit it, they make some damn good beers up there.

Cost: Mix & Match

Grade: A-

Sho Chiku Bai Premium Ginjo Sake

From time to time, I get in the mood for some sake.  In general, it has a dry, apple/pear flavor to it.  I think that the quality is in the aftertaste, or I should say, the lack of an aftertaste.

Web Stuff:  Ginjo is a special reserve connoisseur class of sake. Most sakes are brewed with rice that has been milled 30%. For our Ginjo we use rice that is polished over 50%. Additionally, we use a special strain of yeast that allows for fermentation at a cooler temperature. The result of the slower, longer process is a silky-smooth, rich and fruity flavor.  This one is really nice.


Type: Junmai Ginjo / Premium
Character: Delicate, dry and silky smooth
Dry/Sweet: +5 (dry)
Texture: Soft and smooth
Aroma: Strong ginjo aroma Translation, it smells like good sake
Serving: Chilled
Pairing food: Perfect by itself or with lightly seasoned foods
Alcohol: 15%
Size: 300ML

Cost: $7.99
Grade: B+
Cost Adjusted Grade: B+

Bell's Third Coast Beer

Web Stuff:  A golden beer brewed with pale malts. Large American hop additions contribute a crisp refreshing bitterness. A tribute to the Great Lakes, T.C.B. is a truly quaffable beer.

How's the flava?  The malt tastes skunky like a Czech beer, and the hops help to cover up the skunk, but they are too bitter.  Drinking it really fast helps.

Cost: Mix & Match
Grade: C
Cost Adjusted Grade: C-

Two Parts Wry Wildcard Wrap-Up

The greater hate only won out in Cinci.  If I had to have one result from the weekend, that would have been it.  If only so I could tell "Reverend Who Dey" J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! on Sunday morning.  Earlier in the season, as we were leaving church, and he said: "Jim, there's something that I've been meaning to tell you."  What's that?  "Who dey?"  So this week I said.  "There's something that I've been meaning to tell you?"  He said.  "I know, J-E-T-S ..."  Football is the great way to experience schadenfreude.

I hate the Ravens, but it was great seeing the Patriots get smacked around.  Sadly, there were no career threatening injuries.  Not even to McGahee.  You know what I'm talking about S1T.

Stay tuned for more schadenfreude fueled picks later this week.

Köstritzer Schweizbier

Label Stuff:  According to German Purity Law.  I've been trying to avoid this topic for a while.  Maybe I've just watched too mutch history channel, and for the record, I have some german ancestors.  Having said all that.  Doesn't the phrase "German Purity Law" make you a bit nervous.  The German word is "Reinheitsgebot".  Which can also be translated as "Bavarian Purity Law".  I'd go with that.  Most Americans are too dumb to know that Bavaria and Germany are pretty much the same thing.  Now that I've alienated the Germans, what's on the rest of the label?

"The black beer with the blonde soul" is a famous speciality that is produced by a small brewery in Thuringia, Germany.  Even Goethe - Germany's most celebrated poet - appreciated the traditional Köstritzer black pilsner.

I guess that this Goethe.  As the story goes.  When is was ill, he survived by drinking only the black beer.  Atta-boy.

How does it taste?  It's malty, in a way that I have identified as "continental european".  Their beers tend to have a malt sweetness that is not found in most american beers.  This beers pretty good.  It's not too sweet and has a light bitter aftertaste.

Cost: Mix & Match 6 pack

Grade: B

Smuttynose 2009 Wheat Wine Ale

Web Stuff: Smuttynose Wheat Wine Ale is a unique hybridization of two well-known beer styles, combining the rich, voluptuous taste of a traditional barleywine with the subtle, tart flavors of an American wheat ale, topped off with a healthy dose of crisp, herbaceous hops.

The much-anticipated debut edition of Smuttynose Wheat Wine, brewed and bottled early in 2005, was delayed for nearly a year due to problems stemming from the federal label approval process. The Tax and Trade Bureau (formerly ATF) rejected our original label approval application, claiming that use of the word wine in a beer name would confuse and mislead consumers and retailers. We didn't agree (barleywine, anyone?) and appealed their rejection. Ours is the first, but definitely not the last, wheat wine application the federal government has seen, so they had to create new guidelines regarding the use of this name. We did prevail, at last, and the issue has been put to rest, and although there are several outstanding examples of this style offered at brewpubs, we are pleased to say that Smuttynose Wheat Wine Ale was the first commercially bottled Wheat Wine on the market.

ABV
2007 - 11.4%
2008 - 10.3%
2009 - 11.4%

Smuttynose?  Smuttynose is an island off the coast of Maine and New Hampshire.  Often, the truth is stranger than fiction.  In this case, the truth is boring.
 
How does it taste?  It's really good.  It's kind of caramelly with a hoppy bite at the end.  It's got a shit load of alcohol in it making it a great beer to share with friends.  Yet, here I am, drinking it by myself, watching Saturday Night Live online because the fucking Cowboys game ran late and it didn't record on my DVR. 

Cost: $5.99 for 16 oz
Grade: A
Cost Adjusted Grade: A

Why did the game run late and screw up my DVR?  Jerry wanted some revenge.

Up yours Lizard face!

I told you that this beer is strong.

Session #36 to be hosted by Yours for Good Fermentables

The topic for February's session is going to be Cask-Conditioned beer.  It's safe to say that Cask aged beers are an obsession for Tom Cizaukas.  He offers serveral suggestions on how to approach the topic.  Here at Two Parts Rye, we're all about the drinking.  I'm heading off to Barley's Smokehouse and Brewpub for a Firkin Friday and am looking forward to downing a few points of cask conditioned heaven.

C-Buzzed: Villa Nova

Their website can be found here.

That frosty mug of goodness can be had for $3.00 at happy hour.  It is officially the coldest beer in Columbus at 32° F.  To add to the greatness, they bring out free pizza, wings, subs, corn dogs and other greasy treats for free.  Their pizza is one of the best in town.

Mrs. Rye usually insists on veggie pizzas.  My routine is to order the pizza, and drive there as fast as possible to get a big beer and my required dose of nitrates while the girly pizza is being cooked.  On New Years Eve, we stopped by on the way home from running some errands.  Little did I know that I was going to get a fan of my drinking prowess.  I had about 1/4 of the mug left when the pizza was ready.  With a pizza in my right hand, a wife heading for the door, there was only one thing to do.  Knock it back.  One of the regulars cheared the chug, "That's how you do it man!" but the story gets better.  Last night we ate at the restaurant with Cousin David.  I went to the head and my fan came in and started telling his friend about what is apparently going to be a chug of great legend.  "Hey you're that guy!"  It's not often that you get a round of applause in the men's room.

Two Parts Wry NFL Playoff Preview

Let's pick the wild card round.  We will not be applying any analysis of team quality.  We will simply be picking the team that we hate the least.  As a true football fan, I hate all of the other teams in the league.

Jets at Bengals:  I hate the Bengals because they are a division rival.  Also, you gotta keep a dog in it's place.  I hate the Jets because they are a team that makes the playoffs every few years with crap talent.  I hate the Bengals more.  GO J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!

Eagles at Cowboys: The Cowboys are a super bowl rival owned by a Lizard faced asshole.  The Eagles are cross state rival and have a history of beating Ben Roethlisberger to within an inch of his life.  Hate the Cowboys a lot more.  Go Eagles.

Ravens at Patriots:  The toughest call of the weekend.  The Ravens are another hated division rival.  They used to be the Browns, which means you get to hate them twice as much.  Ray Lewis prances around like an ostrich having a seizure.  The Patriots cheated their way past Pittsburgh in two AFC title games.  I don't think that either team will make it past the next round.  I can only hope for career ending injuries on both sides.  The division hatred wins out.  Mildly hope for a New England victory.

Packers at Cardinals:  Green Bay plays in the god foresaken winter wasteland that is Wisconsin.  The Cardinals are coached by an ex-Steeler assistant and enjoy signing away our free agents.  Aaron Rodgers has been very good to me in fantasy football.  Go Packers!

Where in the world was World Wide Kev?

This is an easy one.  Hints:

• Casinos
• Hookers
• Holes in the desert

Answer:  Instead of drinking with his friends, Kevin was in Las Vegas.

Leinenkugel's 1888 Bock

Leiny's might be one of the most underrated breweries out there.  Their beers aren't the most flashy, but they are tasty.  This one has a balanced hop and malt flavor with a toasted barley aftertaste.  If you drink it fridge cold, you'll go glug-glug-glug and it'll be gone.  Follow the advice of the promo sheet below.  Drink it at a warmer temp and you'll get the full flavor.

Cost: $7.99 6/pack
Grade: B
Cost Adjusted Grade: B

The white death is coming

Columbus is going to get 2-4 inches of snow today.  Expect the city to shut down tonight.  Seriously.  It's pathetic.

Samuel Smith's Organic Ale

Or, how to survive yet another sickeningly sweet beer.

Web stuff:

History: Samuel Smith's Organic Ale is reminiscent of the early 20th century brews not only in the brewing process and flavor, but label design as well. Certified organic by the USDA-accredited UK Soils Association.

Taste: A delicately flavored golden ale in which subtle fruity esters from the Samuel Smith yeast strain interact with a background of maltiness and fresh hops.

How it really tastes:  It's malt with a background of malt.  Another bottle of barley syrup.

How does one survive such a taste bud travesty?  I have to say that at first taste, I felt nothing but despair.  The flavor was way too sweet and I didn't think that I'd be able to finish the pounder.  Then I remembered my experience with the Indian beer Flying Horse.  Spicy food is the key to surviving a sweet beer.  I overwhelms the sweetness, and if the food is spicy enough, you'll need to drink your beer rapidly.

Cost: $3.99 for an 18.7 oz "Victorian Pint"

Grade: C

Cost Adjusted Grade: C

Two Parts Wry Observations: With the 18th pick of the draft...

Sigh.  Football season is over.  There are still a few games to be played, but without the Steelers, does the world really care?

This does give us an opportunity to look back at the year.  Specifically, let's look back at my football rants and raves and see just how full of shit I am.

Way back in the preseason, we visited the topic of Rich Rod breaking NCAA rules by practicing his players more than allowed.  For a few weeks, it looked like it was worth it as Michigan started out 4-0.  Then reality set in, with only Michigan going 1-7, beating only 1AA Deleware St.  In spite of the fact that they sat out bowl season, Tate Forcier just threw 4 more interceptions.  Suck it big blue.  I didn't really make any bold statements.  Everyone knows that he's a d-bag.

After the OSU vs USC game I complained about Jim Tressel's lack of balls.  I'll stand by that.  Though I would not want to trade seasons with USC at this point.  Not running qb sneaks on short 3rd and 4th downs with a 6'5" beast at qb is inexcusable.

Jerry Jones does indeed look like the Geico Lizard.

Jay Cutler does look like bucky buzzard.

I talked smack leading into the Bungles game.  That didn't work out so well.

After the game, I lamented that fact that the Steelers D was giving up 4th quarter leads.  An unfortunate sign of things to come, whether they won or lost.

All kinds of bold statements here.

• Ohio State is king turd on top of shit mountain.  Mostly true.  The turds got polished during bowl season. 
• Bobby Bowden will never catch Joe Pa.  Not that bold, but true.
• Notre Dame is the worst tackling team in football.  Even worse than Michigan.
• I don't think that there is a dominant team in College Football, maybe Texas.  We'll see.  They were hardly dominant at the end of the year.  But a wins a win.
• The San Diego Chargers are the Va Tech of football.  Of course, they won out after that.  I still think that they will blow it in the playoffs.
• They Bronco's may be for real, Cowboy's definitely not.  Denver imploded, Dallas got hot at the end and won their division.  Moving on.
• The Titans need to start Vince Young.  He went 7-1 as a starter.  Most of the credit has to go to Chris Johnson, the number one choice in every fantasy draft next year.

Here I claimed that the Ravens Defense sucked almost as much as Pittsburgh's.  I stand by that.

It turns out that Tim Tebow will not be ascending directly into heaven after the National Title game.

Yippee!  It's the rapture!

Come November.  OSU was on cruise control and the Steelers left me with nothing but complaints and heart ache.

Not too many bold pridictions, but for the most part.  I got it my calls right.

Stay tuned throughout the off-season for more booze fuled fun!

Two Parts Wry Observations: The Big Ten goes bowling...

... and doesn't embarass itself?

It would have been nice if Northwestern had pulled out the win vs. Auburn.  Thanks to the big boys in the conference getting it done, it still looked impressive.  Noone expects Northwestern to hang 625 yard against Auburn.

Why was Minnisota in a bowl game?

Once again, Michigan watched the games from their sofas and they still gave up 40 points.  Nice job fellas.

Now to the big boys.  Wisconsin physically dominates Miami in a game that was not as close as the final score.  20-14.  Nice job Bucky Badger.  You still suck.

PSU out-slopped and out-powered LSU 19-17.  That turf was Heinz field embarassing.  It was also fun to watch.

A little love for BHC and the Nittany Lions

Oh yeah, the Buckeyes beat up a bunch of midgets from Oregon.  After three big bowl losses in a row, this one was sweet.  The $6MMm thought that Masoli was going to light OSU up.  Oregon came in cocky and came up short.  Which is a appropriate, because they are short.

Slow

Plodding

Unathletic

Big 10 Football

Sparty plays Texas Tech tonight and Mike Leech won't be there to alledgely lock them in a closet.  Sparty is not one of the big boys.  I want them to win, but it's not important.

Iowa plays Georgia Tech and their tricky triple option.  If Iowa wins this one, the conference will look pretty good for a change.

The Session #35: New Beers Resolutions

This Month's session is hosted by Beer For Chicks.

So we want to know what was your best and worst of beer for 2009? What beer mistakes did you make? What beer resolutions do you have for 2010? What are your beer regrets and embarrassing moments? What are you hoping to change about your beer experience in 2010?

In no particular order.

The Best:

• Stone Juxtaposition Black Pilsner  Usually, I find that these odd styles end up being somewhere between meh and a train wreck.  This one was quite nice.
• Leiny's Summer Shandy.  Beer and Lemonade on a hot summer day.
• Columbus Brewing Company Bodhi Double IPA  The most aromatic hops ever!
• Great Lakes Christmas Ale I'm amazed by the popularity of this beer.  I like it.  Everyone else that I know wants to make love to it.
• The honey ale at La Ceversera Artesana  Had this on vacation.  Chances are, I'll never have it again.
• This is non-beer related.  My method for sneaking a flask in on a cold rainy day at Ohio Stadium was borderline genius.  My poncho is in a little plastic bag.  I put the flask in the poncho.  When security asked me what was in my pockets. I handed the security guy the poncho, and by the transitive property of being sneaky, the flask.  Showed them my phone, wallet, etc.  Security handed me back my flask.  I was proud of myself, and when the skies opened, thankful to have a pint of Manhattan pre-mixed.
• The Jimmy Football commercials are works of high art.

The Worst:

• Chateau Jiahu  Tastes like Welch's grape juice.
• Bell's Java Stout  Taste like old coffee grounds.
• Brew Dog Bashah  Just tastes bad.
• Charkoota Rye  Tastes like artificial smoke and salt.
• Michelob's Winter Bourbon Cask Ale  Tastes like artificial vanilla.

What beer mistakes did I make? 

• This has been covered before.  Never drink the 3rd big mug at Bob's.  And if you do, don't hop on a bicycle.
• Avoid any "specialty beer" from the Michelob.  It's always a collection of bad artificial flavors.  The cask ale was awful.  Their fruit infused beers are ghastly.

What beer resolutions do you have for 2010?

• Finally make it to Alefest Columbus.
• Generate enough traffic on this site so that companies will send me free hooch.

What are your beer regrets and embarrassing moments?

• See beer mistakes.

What are you hoping to change about your beer experience in 2010?

• This is more about the blogging experience.  I want to get a little bit more entertaining with the reviews.  Let's face it.  Reviews are boring.  At the other end of the spectrum, there are long-winded explanations about some strangers day leading into a review, which is even more dull.   My goal is to find the right balance.  I think that I'm on the right track by giving my friends anonymous identities on the blog .  It also allows me to take some artistic liscence with reality.  For example, it's quite possible that the $6MMm man's arm does not make this noise when he drinks a beer.  I'm just kidding, it does.  It's mind blowing.