Wry World of Sports Presents the Definitive Jim Tressel Time Line

Tomorrow, The Ohio State University goes before the NCAA Committee of Infractions.  There is no need to wait for the NCAA to reveal the long history of bad-bad-bad-doings of ex-Ohio State coach Jim Tressel.  Our crack staff of investigative drunks at the Wry World of Sports has already cracked the case.

• ∞ B.C.  Tressel gives God the finger.  Creates hell..

• Long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.  Tressel convinces Anakin Skywalker to kill some Yuenglings.

• 6000 B.C.  Tressel bakes Eve an Apple Pie.

• 44 B.C. Et tu Jimbo?

• September 1st 1919.  Shoeless Joe Jackson Tells Tressel that he'd "Gladly pay him Tuesday for a hamburger today."

• October 2cd, 1919.  Chicago Black Sox Scandel.
• December 5th, 1952.  Jim Tressel is born.
• October 2cd, 1963, Jimmy Tressel gets a library card in Dallas Texas.
• November 22cd, 1963.  John F Kennedy is assasinated.

• ... Premise starting to run thin...
• May 30 2011, Tressel resigns as football coach at Ohio State.  Justice!

Wry Slamma Jamma: Why Everyone is Sleeping on Ohio State?

The chart to the right pretty much shows it, and even that it is misleading.  If OSU is playing a mediocre to good team, their starters are playing 35+ minutes.  I've seen several games where the guards and forwards play the full 40, and their center (Lauderdale) plays 35.

The other reason is that the soon to be national player of the year broke is back early in the season.  Amazingly, he only missed 6 games.  That was enough time for OSU to slide out of the to 25, they've come all the way back to 6 in the AP poll, and are poised to win a share of the Big 10 and be the number one seed in the conference tourney..  They'll probably be 3 seed in the big dance, maybe a 2.

The question remains, just how far can you go when you only play 6-7 guys?  We'll see.

Two Parts Wry Observations: With the 18th pick of the draft...

Sigh.  Football season is over.  There are still a few games to be played, but without the Steelers, does the world really care?

This does give us an opportunity to look back at the year.  Specifically, let's look back at my football rants and raves and see just how full of shit I am.

Way back in the preseason, we visited the topic of Rich Rod breaking NCAA rules by practicing his players more than allowed.  For a few weeks, it looked like it was worth it as Michigan started out 4-0.  Then reality set in, with only Michigan going 1-7, beating only 1AA Deleware St.  In spite of the fact that they sat out bowl season, Tate Forcier just threw 4 more interceptions.  Suck it big blue.  I didn't really make any bold statements.  Everyone knows that he's a d-bag.

After the OSU vs USC game I complained about Jim Tressel's lack of balls.  I'll stand by that.  Though I would not want to trade seasons with USC at this point.  Not running qb sneaks on short 3rd and 4th downs with a 6'5" beast at qb is inexcusable.

Jerry Jones does indeed look like the Geico Lizard.

Jay Cutler does look like bucky buzzard.

I talked smack leading into the Bungles game.  That didn't work out so well.

After the game, I lamented that fact that the Steelers D was giving up 4th quarter leads.  An unfortunate sign of things to come, whether they won or lost.

All kinds of bold statements here.

• Ohio State is king turd on top of shit mountain.  Mostly true.  The turds got polished during bowl season. 
• Bobby Bowden will never catch Joe Pa.  Not that bold, but true.
• Notre Dame is the worst tackling team in football.  Even worse than Michigan.
• I don't think that there is a dominant team in College Football, maybe Texas.  We'll see.  They were hardly dominant at the end of the year.  But a wins a win.
• The San Diego Chargers are the Va Tech of football.  Of course, they won out after that.  I still think that they will blow it in the playoffs.
• They Bronco's may be for real, Cowboy's definitely not.  Denver imploded, Dallas got hot at the end and won their division.  Moving on.
• The Titans need to start Vince Young.  He went 7-1 as a starter.  Most of the credit has to go to Chris Johnson, the number one choice in every fantasy draft next year.

Here I claimed that the Ravens Defense sucked almost as much as Pittsburgh's.  I stand by that.

It turns out that Tim Tebow will not be ascending directly into heaven after the National Title game.

Yippee!  It's the rapture!

Come November.  OSU was on cruise control and the Steelers left me with nothing but complaints and heart ache.

Not too many bold pridictions, but for the most part.  I got it my calls right.

Stay tuned throughout the off-season for more booze fuled fun!

Two Parts Wry Observations: The Big Ten goes bowling...

... and doesn't embarass itself?

It would have been nice if Northwestern had pulled out the win vs. Auburn.  Thanks to the big boys in the conference getting it done, it still looked impressive.  Noone expects Northwestern to hang 625 yard against Auburn.

Why was Minnisota in a bowl game?

Once again, Michigan watched the games from their sofas and they still gave up 40 points.  Nice job fellas.

Now to the big boys.  Wisconsin physically dominates Miami in a game that was not as close as the final score.  20-14.  Nice job Bucky Badger.  You still suck.

PSU out-slopped and out-powered LSU 19-17.  That turf was Heinz field embarassing.  It was also fun to watch.

A little love for BHC and the Nittany Lions

Oh yeah, the Buckeyes beat up a bunch of midgets from Oregon.  After three big bowl losses in a row, this one was sweet.  The $6MMm thought that Masoli was going to light OSU up.  Oregon came in cocky and came up short.  Which is a appropriate, because they are short.

Slow

Plodding

Unathletic

Big 10 Football

Sparty plays Texas Tech tonight and Mike Leech won't be there to alledgely lock them in a closet.  Sparty is not one of the big boys.  I want them to win, but it's not important.

Iowa plays Georgia Tech and their tricky triple option.  If Iowa wins this one, the conference will look pretty good for a change.

Two Parts Wry Observations: Scot with one "t" asked for it

Scot with one "t" is my oldest friend.  Many years ago, when I decided to get divorced from Mrs Rye v1.0, I gave him a call and asked him:

"Are you and Ben still looking for an apartment?"
"Sure"
"Want another roommate?"

We were watching OSU vs "the team wearing Michigan's uniform" and saw something very funny during the telecast.  He tasked me with finding the picture.  Here you go buddy.

Two Parts Wry Observations: Michigan's new fight song

Hail to the victors has been replaced by Home for the Holidays by Perry Como.  Justin Boren transferred to OSU because he felt that Rich Rod was destroying the family values at Michigan.  I'm glad that he's on our team.  However, I have to point out that there is no greater family value than staying home for the holidays.  Rich Rod, the ultimate family man.

Pardon me, I have an urgent appointment in the end zone.

Two Parts Wry Observations: Terrelle Cryer Edition

Let's go through our to-do list.

√  Purdue beats Michigan.
√  Navy beats Notre Dame.
√  Northwestern beats Iowa.
√  Buckeye-Hatin-Chris travels all the way to Happy Valley to see his Alma Mater get poned.

You made the right choice.

Two Parts Wry Observations, NFL Week 4, NCAA Week 5, A Whale's Vagina Edition

http://www.spike.com/video/anchorman_-_definition_of_san_diego/2740113

Here we go:

• Looks like Ohio State is once again king turd on top of shit mountain.
• Even if he gets his wins back from the NCAA, Bobby Bowden will never catch Joe Pa.
• Notre Dame could easily be 1-4.  That is the worst tackling team in the history of football.
• Five minutes left in the Michigan State v Michigan game, Spartie up by 14.  I can mow my lawn.  Later I see that they won in overtime.  Spartie tried to be Spartie.
• I don't think that there is a dominant team in College football this year.  Maybe Texas.
• The San Diego Chargers are the Virginia Tech of the NFL.  Every year, people think that they are a pre-season darling.  Every year, they get exposed.
• Buckeye Hatin' Chris said it right.  Bellicheck loaned Tomlin his balls this week.  Going for it on 4 and inches on your own 30 in the second quarter.  Nice!
• The Bronco's may be for real.  The cowboys definitely are not.
• There is a distinct odor of poo coming from Nashville, and I'm not talking about Vanderbilt. Time to start Vince Young.  Whether he is good or bad, you can decide your future.
• Does anyone want to play the Saints right now?  Did you ever think that you would hear anyone say that?
• If you ever get into trouble, call Tony Dungy, apparently all sins are forgiven.  Good person, but c'mon.  First Vick and now Lagarette Blount.  Bye the way, nice punch.

The Steeler Drinking Game rules have been updated and made more optimistic.  They can be found in the last widget on the right.  Nothing like an ass-kicking to make you feel better.  The unofficial tally (I was drinking) for this week is:

• 2 McNutty's
• 5 "Hold!"s
• 1 Poop Shoot.
• 13 pump fakes.  I know that I lost count on that one.
• Your friend!  8 catches, 2 drops.
• 8 Miller Times
• 5 Swaggins. 
• 4 Softee D's
• 2 Head & Shoulders
• 2 Gay Plays of the Day

Two Parts Wry Observations: Noah's Ark Edition

You may or may not have noticed, but it poored the rain down in the old shoe today.  I didn't care, I had my rain pants, waterproof shoes, poncho, and most importantly, my flask.

The pregame started off with Illi-Noise pretending to start a fight during OSU's entrance.  Only problem, they forgot their helmets.  Talk about a bunch of posers.  Oh yeah, they got their asses handed to them 30-0.

It was football the way that football should be played.  In the elements. I was there and I loved every sloppy wet minute of it.

The flask was New York Mineral Water.  AKA Rye, Vermouth, Bitters.  AKA 1 pint of Manhattan.

Two Parts Wry Observations: NFL Week 2, NCAA Week 3

Not so random football thoughts from the weekend.

For all the buckeye fans that enjoyed seeing USC lose to Washington. That makes OSU look worse not better.

I wanted to wait until after the Steelers-Bears game before I posted this, didn't want to jinx the Stillers. How did that work out? Lesson learned. Talk smack no matter what.

Separated at birth?

=?

Lovie Smith done told me. Tyrone Carter can't cover.

Apparently bong resin is water soluble. Once the rains fell, San-Toke-io became San-Drop-io. The 10 days between the week one and two games would have been better spent NOT taking receiving lessons from Braylon Edwards.

The other theory is that Buckeye-Hatin'-Chris jinxed him when he said that "Holmes Catches Everything!" Next play. Drop.

The Tennessee Titans fans that I know are too polite to say this: "How the fuck are we 0-2?"
On the other hand, Denver Bronco fans are definitely saying: "How the fuck are we 2-0?"

Tom Brady isn't looking so hot without the other teams playbook. This observation is brought to you by Joel-needs-a-better-nickname. Wait a sec: Joel-Needs-Anonmyous-Designation. J-Nad. Shouldn't have asked me if I'm still blogging.

Normally clutch kicker Jeff Reed Sheetz'd his pants in the fourth quarter of the Steelers-Bears Game.

Got this cocktail recipe of the week from Mondesi's House, who got it from Twitter.

A Jeff Reed. 1 shot vodka. Pour it out. Now drink what's left in the bottle.

Two Parts Wry Observations: Who the eff is Marty Bannister?

I'm really trying to let this USC game go. I started to post this yesterday, but I said "Jim , let it go." I was at Bob's Bar tonight and my buddy Scott said that he had heard it this dipshit on the radio too.

Drinking beer, bitching about football. The last cathartic step is to blog.

If you don't care about football, this won't be a post for you. If you hate OSU, experience schadenfreude. If you are an OSU person, join me in loathing this Micky Mouse D-bag.

Level set time. I have accepted that our head coach is a good person, world class recruiter, brings a shit-load of money to the university, which makes him teflon, He should fire himself as offensive coordinator. Unfortunately, he just won't do that. Monday night, I'm doing my best to let this game go. While I'm doing some some yard-work and listening to the radio, I hear some smurf named Marty Bannister on the Buckeye Roundtable say that the crowd was loud, but not intimidating during the game. I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure that I saw Matt Barkley crap down his leg for 3 1/2 quarters. I'm also sure that the crowd had nothing to do with the botched punt that sailed through the end zone for a safety in the 3rd quarter.

So, who the eff is Marty Bannister? He is the sideline reporter with a voice made for literature. If that crowd was not intimidating, then there will never be an intimidating crowd in the shoe. Go back to selling insurance or radio advertising or whatever it is you do during the week.

Cocktail time. The Marty Bannister

1 oz Amaretto
1 oz Red Bull
1 oz Jaegermeister
1 oz Grey Goose

Punch yourself in the nuts and enjoy!

He's probably a nice guy, but that was a really stupid thing to say. Football fans are crazy.

Two Parts Wry Observations: You play to win the game.

I waited 20 or so hours to do this post. Playing to win the game doesn't mean that you always go for the dangerous call. It means that you play smart. You don't let 20 seconds run off in the last 2 minutes before you call time-out. You let your rocket leg kicker try the 50 yard field-goal, and you run out the clock in the first half because your defense has been on the field for 12 minutes in the quarter. Also, you don't call plays like a 4 year old girl afraid that there is a monster under the bed when you have the lead. Also also, our QB is 6'6". Can we run a fucking QB sneak on 3rd and 1, or are we gonna avoid it for 3 more years because he fumbled against Penn State last year. (It's a good thing that I waited until I was no longer angry.)

The worst part was that as I was leaving, I had to listen to some 11 year old kid talk about how our coach needs to be fired. I was not in the mood to hear from a kid, who's balls have not dropped, bitch about the game. I told him that Tressel would still be here when he's old enough to go to OSU. His 120 pound dad took exception and asked me what I said. And I repeated that Tressel would still be yadda yadda yadda. Listening to idiots after a home loss makes it so much worse.

I still like Tress, but Pete Carroll plays to win, and Tress plays not to lose. His offensive play calls are so bad, that people here are calling for Walt Harris to come back and be our offensive coordinator. Let's keep in mind, that Dave Wanstedt has proven to be a better head coach at Pitt than Walt Harris.

In spite of the last minute loss and my overall bitterness about it, I had a blast. Went to my buddy Chris's tailgate, drank a lot. Saw some poor girl puke 1 hour before the game started. Nice reminder of how no matter how great college was, it's better to be an adult.

The stadium has never been louder. I lost my voice by the start of the second quarter. I sat next to an ex-player who was on the team when I was in college. I know that he was a receiver, first name Bernard. With the help of the internet, I'm 90% sure that he was Bernard Edwards (Hope that I'm right, it's hard to find rosters from 88-91.) Update, my benefactor, aka Sue has confirmed that I sat next to Bernard Edwards, WR, from The Ohio State University. Hell of a nice guy. I mean, really nice guy. Likes to throw the one armed hug around you when the Bucks make a great play. Hurts just a little when you are half his size.

I've never been this tired after watching a football game. It's ridiculous to say that you gave your all as a fan, but 106K tried to pull the upset. Here's the recipe for a cocktail called the Ohio State Redeye. A foo-foo drink that I will never try, but I gotta keep it boozy.