Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Power Wry Week 9: OSU gives PSU a Lower Sundusky

The Power Rye, or Power Wry, depending on my mood and state of sobriety, is the most accurate ranking of college football available.  Each week, I feed all of the facts, figures, stats, scores and whiskey into the Power Rye ranking matrix.  Before I sober up, I pinch off a post.

This week's Power Wry is brought to you by a 4 Roses Manhattan.  For those who are wondering about the difference between a Lower and an Upper Sundusky, with an Upper Sandusky, you get kissed on the neck before Joe Pa turns his back on you.

  1. Oregon (8-0) Defeated UCLA 42-14.  Another tough loss for Jim Mora JUNIOR. He hates that.
  2. Alabama (8-0) Beat Tennessee 45-10.  That can't be correct.  The Titans were on a bye last week.
  3. Florida State (7-0) Beat NC State 49-17.  NC State, never heard of a state named NC.  Must be one of those Canadian teams.  Did they use the big field?
  4. Ohio State (8-0) Beat Penn State 63-14.  It was the humane thing to do.
  5. Miami (7-0) Beat Wake Forest 24-21.  I considered dropping you this week, but I decided that I would wait for your beat down at the hand of FSU.  (Dear Miami, I hope that you win.)
  6. Baylor (7-0) Defeated Kansas 59-14.  Charlie Weiss was in a sugar comma from a pre-Halloween candy binge.
  7. Clemson (7-1) Defeated Maryland 40-27.  They would have scored more points, but Tajh Boyd was in a sugar comma from a pre-Halloween candy binge.
  8. Wisconsin (7-1 6-2) Did not play.
  9. Oklahoma! (7-1) Defeated Texas Tech 38-10.  Texas Tech is the Devry of Texas.
  10. Texas A&M, Michigan St, Northern Illinois have another week to impress me.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Power Wry Week 8

Why all the pictures of guys in suit & ties, suit & ties?
Just a year late for the Timberlake reference.
The Power Rye, or Power Wry, depending on my mood and state of sobriety, is the most accurate ranking of college football available.  Each week, I feed all of the facts, figures, stats, scores and whiskey into the Power Rye ranking matrix.  Before I sober up, I pinch off a post.

This week's Power Wry is brought to you by a Sazerac Rye Manhattan.  I'll have two or threve before I'm done with this post.

  1. Oregon (7-0) Defeated Washington St late.  Again?
  2. Alabama (5-0) Beat Arkansas 52-0.  Allow me to make the 5 millionth #KARMA joke.
  3. Florida State (6-0) Whooped Clemson 51-14.  If my memory serves me right, and it always does, Clemson used to coach the Minnesota basketball team.  Not that impressive when you look at it that way.
  4. Ohio State (7-0) Beat Iowa 34-24.  Our defense is crap on a stick.
  5. Miami (6-0) Beat North Carolina 27-23.  Winning the coveted Butch-Davis-Used-To-Coach-Here trophy.
  6. Baylor (6-0) Defeated Iowa St 71-7.  Way to beat the fake Iowa.
  7. Clemson (6-1) Let's see, what did I say last week... "Clemson (6-0) Defeated Boston College 24-14.  The hacks in the AP would drop you a couple of spots for that.  I'm going to wait for Florida State to kick your ass next week."  Pretty much nailed that one.
  8. Missouri (7-0) Defeated Florida 36-17.  Nice job Urban.
  9. Stanford (6-1) Defeated UCLA 24-10.  Tough loss for Jim Mora JUNIOR. He hates that.
  10. Wisconsin (6-1 5-2) Beat Illinois 56-32.  No PAC 12 officials were harmed.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Power Rye 2013 Week 7

It's more fun than where's Waldo.
The Power Rye, or Power Wry, depending on my mood and state of sobriety, is the most accurate ranking of college football available.  Each week, I feed all of the facts, figures, stats, scores and whiskey into the Power Rye ranking matrix.  Before I sober up, I pinch off a post.

This week's Power Wry is brought to you by Knappougue Castle 14.  Stanford is out.  How Utes doin?  Oklahoma! did Oklahoma! things and they are gone too.
  1. Clemson (6-0) Defeated Boston College 24-14.  The hacks in the AP would drop you a couple of spots for that.  I'm going to wait for Florida State to kick your ass next week.
  2. Oregon (6-0) Defeated Washington. 45-24.
  3. Ohio State (6-0) Grilled out and chilled.
  4. Miami (5-0) Did not play.  Abortion Saturday is a holiday at the U.  Too soon?
  5. Alabama (5-0) Beat Kentucky 48-7.
  6. Florida State (5-0) Did not play?  Kids these days are just lazy.
  7. UCLA (4-0) Defeated Cal 37-10.  Everybody does that.
  8. Texas Arts & Crafts (4-1) Defeated Mississippi 41-38.  A stunned nation cheered, I mean held it's breath when Johnny Claim-jumper appeared to injure his knee.
  9. Baylor (5-0) Eked out a win against K-State 35-35.  Token Big 12(10) team.
  10. LSU (6-1) Defeated Florida 17-6.  Do you want to know how bad college coaching is compared to the NFL?  Cam No Chin Cameron is considered an offensive genius at LSU.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Power Rye 2013 Week 6

The Power Rye, or Power Wry, depending on my mood and state of sobriety, is the most accurate ranking of college football available.  Each week, I feed all of the facts, figures, stats, scores and a pint of rye whiskey into the Power Rye ranking matrix.  A day or so later, I pinch off a post.

This weeks Power Wry is brought to you by Glenmorangie Elanta.  Nobody of consequence lost this week, so the ranking is the same, only the snarky comments have changed.

  1. Clemson (5-0) Beat Syracuse 49-14.  That crusty grouch Boeheim needs to hang it up.
  2. Oregon (5-0) Defeated Colorado 57-16.  Colorado is what happens to your genitals after two months of cholera.
  3. Ohio State (6-0) Defeated Northwestern 40-30.  The glory of the back door cover.
  4. Miami (5-0) Defeated Georgia Tech 45-30.
  5. Alabama (6-0) Whooped Georgia State 45-3.  Peachy.
  6. Florida State (5-0) Defeated Maryland 63-0.  They're just mad that they won't getting all of that B1G cash money.
  7. Stanford (5-0) Defeated Washington 31-28.  They got outplayed and won.  Very Buckeye-ishticological of you.
  8. Oklahoma! (5-0) Beat TCU 20-17.  The little sisters of the poor must have been fired up for that one.
  9. UCLA (4-0) Defeated Utah 34-17.  Just like Obama.
  10. Texas Arts & Crafts (4-1) Stayed home and signed autographs.
This article is late because we lost our big buddy on Sunday night.
He is the skinny one on the left.