Brett Keisel is a Bumble

Not all monsters are bad.
Merry Christmas!

The Power Wry: Steelers Gone Wild Part II

Betty Crocker got traded.
Ben's a slimeball. (allegedly, yeah right)
Jeff Reed gets the franchise tag?

The Power Wry: Betty Crocker Edition

Rumor has it that San-toke-io Holmes could get suspended 4 games this season for tweeting "Time to Wake and Bake".  If he is suspended, then Commissioner Goodell has gone too far.  What's wrong with being a dedicated pastry chef in the offseason?

San-toke-io is very dedicated to his art.  Not only does he bake first thing in the morning, he also bakes again at 4:20 in the afternoon.  He's so dedicated that I think that his new nickname should be Betty Crocker.

Update!  Hours after I post, the Steelers gave Holmes away for a 5th round pick to the Jets.

The Power Wry: Steelers Gone Wild

I've been keeping my opinion on the Ben Roethlisberger accusations to myself.  Mostly, I'm in wait and see mode.  I just wish that Roscoe and Flash would shit or get off the pot?  Stop acting like you are trying to unravel the DaVinci code.

I'll get you Bo Duke. Gew! Gew! Gew!

Meanwhile, It seems that our boy Santoke-io is being sued for getting in a spat with a lady in - You guessed it - a VIP room.  She says that he through a glass of whiskey in her face.  (Including the glass)  Being a jackass, I wonder: What kind of whiskey was he drinking?

The big question is, how do you feel as a fan?  I've gotten pretty jaded by now.  As long as you are not a menace to society, I don't care what you do in the off season.  Having learned nothing from the Duke Lacrosse case, ESPN is leaning towards Ben-Is-The-Antichrist.  Assuming that he is not a rapist, here is my advice to Ben.

1. Stop taking red zone sacks.
2. Get a girlfriend.

.

Wry World of Sports Salutes Jeff Reed

In honor of Steelers kicker Jeff Reed, who has to recently sentenced to community service for getting into a scrap with the Pittsburgh po-po.  We present the Jeff Reed Flow Chart.  This is double funny, because the scrap started because his teammate Matt "Lost In" Spaeth was urinating in public.  This chart comes courtesy of FreeTankCarter.com.

Two Parts Wry Observations: With the 18th pick of the draft...

Sigh.  Football season is over.  There are still a few games to be played, but without the Steelers, does the world really care?

This does give us an opportunity to look back at the year.  Specifically, let's look back at my football rants and raves and see just how full of shit I am.

Way back in the preseason, we visited the topic of Rich Rod breaking NCAA rules by practicing his players more than allowed.  For a few weeks, it looked like it was worth it as Michigan started out 4-0.  Then reality set in, with only Michigan going 1-7, beating only 1AA Deleware St.  In spite of the fact that they sat out bowl season, Tate Forcier just threw 4 more interceptions.  Suck it big blue.  I didn't really make any bold statements.  Everyone knows that he's a d-bag.

After the OSU vs USC game I complained about Jim Tressel's lack of balls.  I'll stand by that.  Though I would not want to trade seasons with USC at this point.  Not running qb sneaks on short 3rd and 4th downs with a 6'5" beast at qb is inexcusable.

Jerry Jones does indeed look like the Geico Lizard.

Jay Cutler does look like bucky buzzard.

I talked smack leading into the Bungles game.  That didn't work out so well.

After the game, I lamented that fact that the Steelers D was giving up 4th quarter leads.  An unfortunate sign of things to come, whether they won or lost.

All kinds of bold statements here.

• Ohio State is king turd on top of shit mountain.  Mostly true.  The turds got polished during bowl season. 
• Bobby Bowden will never catch Joe Pa.  Not that bold, but true.
• Notre Dame is the worst tackling team in football.  Even worse than Michigan.
• I don't think that there is a dominant team in College Football, maybe Texas.  We'll see.  They were hardly dominant at the end of the year.  But a wins a win.
• The San Diego Chargers are the Va Tech of football.  Of course, they won out after that.  I still think that they will blow it in the playoffs.
• They Bronco's may be for real, Cowboy's definitely not.  Denver imploded, Dallas got hot at the end and won their division.  Moving on.
• The Titans need to start Vince Young.  He went 7-1 as a starter.  Most of the credit has to go to Chris Johnson, the number one choice in every fantasy draft next year.

Here I claimed that the Ravens Defense sucked almost as much as Pittsburgh's.  I stand by that.

It turns out that Tim Tebow will not be ascending directly into heaven after the National Title game.

Yippee!  It's the rapture!

Come November.  OSU was on cruise control and the Steelers left me with nothing but complaints and heart ache.

Not too many bold pridictions, but for the most part.  I got it my calls right.

Stay tuned throughout the off-season for more booze fuled fun!

Two Parts Wry Observations: Ravens at Steelers

Whoops

The Steelers are still alive, but just barely.  They got a lot of help from the Ravens yesterday as they collectively shot themselves in the leg. AKA, pulled at Plaxico.

They need two of these 3 things to happen.  Raiders beat the Ravens (Won't happen).  Bengals beat the Jets (Look for the Bengals to rest their starters.  Therefore, not gonna happen.)  New England beats Houston.  (See Bengals vs Jets.)  This is what happens when you lose to the Browns, Raiders, and Chiefs.

Special thanks to the Colts for being a bunch of quitters.  You are undefeated, winning the game, and pull your starters.  A gutless move that will result in watching the Super Bowl from home again for the Colts.

Two Parts Wry Observations: Steelers vs GB

A lot of so called experts will tell you that Mike Tomlin made a foolish gamble by attempting an on-side kick with less than 4 minutes in the game when the Steelers had a 2 point lead.  Those idiots have not been paying attention.  When it happened, I liked the call.  BHC liked the call.  Troy Aikman did not.  We can forgive him, he's been hit in the head a lot.

Once again, the Steelers secondary folded like a cheap card table.  However, this time, the offense had over two minutes to drive down the field and Ben pulled another victory from his tush by hitting Mike Wallace with a tip-toe catch in the end zone.

Their playoff chances are slightly closer to slim than none.  They need to win out (slim chance), they need the Eagles to beat the Broncos (Highly likely) , New England to beat Jacksonville. (Likely), and god knows what else.  I hope that they make it.  However, when you lose to the Browns, Raiders, and Chiefs, don't be surprised when you end up staying home in January.

Two Parts Wry Observations: The Steelers Should Replace James Farrior with James Harrison's 62 year old Mother

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09345/1020421-100.stm

Apparently Akron has the dumbest cops on the planet.

Police in Ohio say the mother of Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison has been charged with assault following a brawl at a game-watching party in a community hall.

Akron police say 62-year-old Mildred Harrison was one of three people cited after the fight at a Veterans of Foreign Wars post Thursday.

Police say it's not clear why the party turned violent about 10 p.m., during Cleveland's 13-6 upset of division foe Pittsburgh.

Victims have told police they were pushed, punched and struck with beer bottles.

I'll solve this one for you deputy dog.

• Steelers and Browns fans hate one another.  Especially in that area.  I grew up there. + Beer
• Her son plays for the Steelers. + Beer
• She's cheering for the Steelers in a city that is 40 minutes from Cleveland. + Beer
• Beer

Keep kicking ass Mildred!

Two Parts Wry Observations: At least I had Christmas Ale

It usually does not take me this long to get a post up after a Steelers game.  But I figure, if the Steelers don't care about the season, why should I?  The salvation of the evening was that Bob's still has Great Lakes Christmas Ale on tap.  This is BHC's favorite beer.  The poor fellow was at a different bar for the game, and they were out.  He was double sad.  The $6MMm loves it too.  Pittsburgh and Cincinatti fans can come together and enjoy a beer from Cleveland.  Weird.

Web stuff: Christmas Ale

A holiday ale brewed with honey and spiced with fresh ginger and cinnamon.
ABV: 7.5% ABW: 6.0% IBU: 40

How does it taste?  I think that it tastes like nutmeg and ginger.  It's not too overpowering, but it is  a drink to savor.  Don't worry, you will finish it faster than Big Ben reads pass coverage.  BHC says "Tastes like Christmas!"  If you're looking for any last minute gift ideas for BHC....
 
Grade: A-

Special thanks to A beer in Hand is worth Two in the Fridge for finding this "holy shit, that's funny" video.

Two Parts Wry Observations NFL Week 12: What's really wrong with the Steelers

It's simple.  With the exception of the Vikings game, the defense wilts when the pressure is highest.  It doesn't matter what you did during the rest of the game, if you repeatedly blow 4th quarter leads, you're bad.  James Farrior should be forced to stand in the parking lot during passing downs.  This does not excuse the bad turnovers and shoddy special teams play.  But when you have the lead, you gotta hold it. 

Do you remember all of the games that the Steelers have pulled out of their ass the last few years? The rest of the league is having a good time shoving them back in.

Damn!

In other news:

• Sounds like Tiger Woods' wife whipped his ass for adultery.
• I flipped to the Rock & Roll hall of fame concert a few times during commercials. I think that celebrity death pools are in poor taste. Having said that, take Art Garfunkel, Graham Nash, and Bonnie Raitt. Stevie Wonder probably won't be far behind. The sad thing is, he'll never see it coming.
• Tim Tebow has already come back from the dead this season. Tune into the BCS Championship game this January to watch him ascend bodily into heaven.
• Somehow I missed this one during my vacation last month. Check out the dude with whom former ESPN analyst and famed Mets killer cheated on his wife.
  

Since I'm going wrong this week, I decided to go way wrong.

Two Parts Wry Observation NFL Week 11: I'm so pissed I can't come up with a clever name

Let's review our options.

1. Choking dogs
2. Are you kidding me?
3. Are you effing kidding me?
4. Seriously, are you effing kidding me?
5. We should probably go with with....

Ouch!

"Are you effing kidding me?" wins.

I would also like to think CBS for only bringing one camera to the game.  It would have been nice to see a replay of at least one penalty.

Update: I left the bar mad because the steelers are bad. 
Go ahead and call me a hater.  I feel good cause Cinci choked to the Raiders. 
Went to bed thinking that the Brownies win was scary.  Didn't know that they interfered on the hail mary.

Oooh wee what up with that that!

Two Parts Wry Observations NFL Week 10:The man formerly known as Bengal Scott edition

I'm going to have to take crap from Bengal Scott this week.  I also think that he needs a better nickname.  This one's easy.  He's 40 years old, has a baboon's heart and an artificial shoulder.  He's been rebuilt better, faster, stronger.  When he hits a foul ball, it carries an extra 80 feet.  Every time he drinks a beer his arm makes this noise.  He's the 6 Million Dollar Man.

As you can see by his stylish prison orange, he's a lifelong Bengals fan.

Congratulations Asshole.

I look forward to taking shit from you all year.

I think that I know what was up with Ben this week.  Dunder Mifflin may file for bankruptcy and he's worried about his 9-5 job.

Two Parts Rye Observations NFL Week 9 recap, Week 10 preview

The Denver Bronco Cocktail

See above for everything that you need to know about the Steelers vs Broncos.

The real story is that the Bungles are coming to town.  Both teams are 6-2, and Cinci could get a strangle-hold on the division by sweeping the Steelers.  Don't count on it.  Pittsburgh 28 - Bungles 17.

Ocho Cinco is up to his hi-jinks.  Sort of.

Two Parts Rye Observations: NFL Weeks 6-7

In the last 4 years, I have travelled to Europe 3 times during football season.  Twice for work, most recently for fun.  Two things always happen when I go across the pond.

1. OSU loses a game that they have no business losing.
2. I miss a Steelers-Browns game.

One awesome side-effect from travelling to Spain.  For the next 4-5 days, you wake up every morning at 4 am.  Awesome.  Early Sunday morning I watched the Steelers beat the Brownies.  Gotta love the DVR.  Don't love 5 Turnovers in a row at the end of the 3rd quarter.  That's some quality football right there.

The Vikings game was weird.  We won, so can't complain too much.  It was just odd to watch Minnisota drive down the field only to cough it up and Pitt takes it back for a score.  Twice.  I think the old man at the bar who, we will call buzz-kill, kind of ruined the end for me.

Folks, if you're going to a bar on NFL Sunday, you are going to hear some swearing.  Buzz-kill complained about my language because there were children and a lady present.  His son was cool and apologized for him, but I still had to have a quiet conversation with him.

Me:  I don't want to offend you, but you are at a bar.
Buzz Kill:  You don't have to use the F-word.
Me:  Actually, yes I do.

Don't blame me for my language.  Blame Polamalu for leaving Sydney Rice wide open on 3rd and 18.  What the fuck was that?

The screaming Viking cocktail.

Two Parts Wry Observations NFL Week 5: Who dey?

• Brace yourself Columbus, 50k "Life-long Bengal" fans are going to crawl out from under some rocks.
• On the 3rd day, Urban Meyer went to the tomb and found the stone rolled away.
• Last year I stopped watching all college and NFL studio shows.  My life is better for it.  If I ever want to hear from 5 assholes again, I'll go to the circus and fart in the hall of mirrors.
• Ben Roethlisberger is on track to pass for 4704 yards this season.  He's completing 73.8% of his passes which is even better than the great Peyton, and he has a passer rating over 100.  He's still no Carson Palmer.
• I saw someone wearing a $275 "authentic" Brady Quinn Jersey at BW's.  Poor dumb bastard.  I have a Hines Ward "authentic" that I bought in Nashville last year.  Pretty Sure that "It fell off the back of a truck."  Needless to say, I got it at an 82% discount.
• Hmm Hah, the Titans have not won a game since stomping on the Terrible Towel.  Coincidence?
• The Steelers D isn't the only one slipping.  Talking to you Ravens.

Gay Play of the Day!

That's how you put your Foote down.

The Pussy Foote Cocktail.

Two Parts Wry Observations, NFL Week 4, NCAA Week 5, A Whale's Vagina Edition

http://www.spike.com/video/anchorman_-_definition_of_san_diego/2740113

Here we go:

• Looks like Ohio State is once again king turd on top of shit mountain.
• Even if he gets his wins back from the NCAA, Bobby Bowden will never catch Joe Pa.
• Notre Dame could easily be 1-4.  That is the worst tackling team in the history of football.
• Five minutes left in the Michigan State v Michigan game, Spartie up by 14.  I can mow my lawn.  Later I see that they won in overtime.  Spartie tried to be Spartie.
• I don't think that there is a dominant team in College football this year.  Maybe Texas.
• The San Diego Chargers are the Virginia Tech of the NFL.  Every year, people think that they are a pre-season darling.  Every year, they get exposed.
• Buckeye Hatin' Chris said it right.  Bellicheck loaned Tomlin his balls this week.  Going for it on 4 and inches on your own 30 in the second quarter.  Nice!
• The Bronco's may be for real.  The cowboys definitely are not.
• There is a distinct odor of poo coming from Nashville, and I'm not talking about Vanderbilt. Time to start Vince Young.  Whether he is good or bad, you can decide your future.
• Does anyone want to play the Saints right now?  Did you ever think that you would hear anyone say that?
• If you ever get into trouble, call Tony Dungy, apparently all sins are forgiven.  Good person, but c'mon.  First Vick and now Lagarette Blount.  Bye the way, nice punch.

The Steeler Drinking Game rules have been updated and made more optimistic.  They can be found in the last widget on the right.  Nothing like an ass-kicking to make you feel better.  The unofficial tally (I was drinking) for this week is:

• 2 McNutty's
• 5 "Hold!"s
• 1 Poop Shoot.
• 13 pump fakes.  I know that I lost count on that one.
• Your friend!  8 catches, 2 drops.
• 8 Miller Times
• 5 Swaggins. 
• 4 Softee D's
• 2 Head & Shoulders
• 2 Gay Plays of the Day

Two Parts Wry Observations NFL Week 4 Preview, Steelers Drinking Game

These things tend to evolve over time so expect updates to the rules from Time To Time.

1. One person is designated as the McNutty.  If you have a girls cowboy hat available, the McNutty should wear it.  Every time Ben gets sacked, the McNutty gets to hand out 9 drinks and designates someone else to be the McNutty.
2. The Harrisson hold rule.  If James Harrisson gets held, everyone must yell "Hold!"  The last person to yell drinks.  If a flag is thrown, no one drinks.
3. The poop shoot rule.  Drink once for every penalty called on Willie Colon.
4. Throw the damn ball rule.  Drink once for every time Ben pump fakes.  This should average 3 drinks per pass play.
5. Hands of stone rule.  Drink twice for every time Ike Taylor drops an easy interception.  Drink 3 times if he catches it.
6. The stop being a pussy rule.  Drink 3 times when the Steelers attempt a field goal from inside the 10 yard line.  5 times from inside the 5.  Finish your drink if it's from the 1 yard line.
7. The slow developing run play rule.  Drink everytime the backside linebacker or end goes unblocked and blows up Parker/Mendenhall/Moore in the backfield.
8. The 86 rule.  Drink everytime Hines lights someone up.
9. The softee-D rule.  Drink when our db's give a 10 yard cushion allowing an easy completion.
10. The Troy rules.  Drink every time Polamalu overruns a tackle and whiffs.  When injured, drink each time TV shows him on the sideline while the defense is getting picked apart.  Drink every time you feel uncomfortable while watching his Head & Shoulders commercials.

Two Parts Wry Observations: NFL Week 3, Bizarro World Edition

Instead of living in a world where the Steelers hang around and pull out a victory when it counts; we now live in a world where they appear dominant for 45 minutes, fail to put the other team away, and then choke it all way in the 4th quarter.

Well that's just dandy.

The Cincinatti cocktail.  Way to eff up a beer.

Two Parts Wry Observations NFL Week 3 Preview: Don't Sleep on the Bungles

You just got 86'd!

The 86 cocktail.  Sip through a straw.