Wry Observations: Curb Side Recycling

What's wrong with this picture?

This Means Something

Well we did it.  We've finally hit our 50th state.  Though not with rave reviews.  Wyoming is the last state to visit our glorious drinking blog, and they don't appreciate being called lame.

Allow me to quote the brave poster: Anonymous  "Good! Then stay the Hell out, we don't want you here anyway."

My first reaction is that I can't decide what surprises me more, that they have the internet in Wyoming, or that they have electricity.  What's next, indoor plumbing?

I was eating dinner tonight and it hit me.

Devil's Tower Wyoming is where the Alien Invasion of the NBA Started!

Of course they hate this blog.  I'm the one who exposed their sinister plot.  Take that Xenu.

Now the only question is, which one of these green blooded bastards is after me?

How a drunk guy in Louisiana saved my softball game

First, enjoy.

I first saw this video at the Zane Lamprey tour that came through town a few weeks back.

So, it's softball Sunday.  World Wide Kev is our pitcher, but as usual, he's out of town.  Once again I'm asking myself, just where in the hell is World Wide Kev?  The $6MMm is our sub pitcher.  It's the top of the 7th, were down, they got a lot folks on base with 1 out.  He's walked a batter or two and I could tell that he's kinda struggling.  Now as the coach, you gotta know how to motivate your players.

I yell to him, "This is almost as bad as the time you got arrested for drunk driving on a lawn mower"

We yell back and forth "I know my rights!"  It's even funnier because this is a church league and we're Methodists.

He mows down the next two batters, we rally for a 28-28 tie.  Tie's suck, but since it's World Cup season, we'll take the Canadian Victory.

In regards to the drunk guy on a lawnmower... The adventure continues.

Drinking Made Easy

There are two people who I admire for having great career ideas.  The first is Mel Kiper, the original draftnik.  He made himself an expert on the college players entering the NFL draft.  He's a guy who had a great idea, and I'm jealous.

There is one man who has an ever better job than Mel, that's Zane Lamprey.  He's the clever/lucky bastard on the right.  Zane has been hosting a show called Three Sheets, in which he travels the world, getting drunk, and telling jokes.  That's right, he had the best idea ever.  It started off on a TV network called MOJO, which is now defunct.  It moved to the Fine Living Network after that.  I had never heard of FLN either, but was pleased to find it buried on the digital tier.  The show is now unofficially/officially moving to the Travel Channel for it's next season.  He's also filming a US centric version of the show for HDNet.

Why am I pimping this show?  Because I got comp'd for his Drinking Made Easy tour in Columbus on Wednesday.  (Thank you Kelly from bigMETHOD PR).  I took the $6MMm with me and we had a blast.  You are probably asking yourself, where in the world was World Wide Kev?  He was packing for a trip.  No shit.  He really was.

Now that my hangover has passed, I can talk about the show.  Here's the remaining tour schedule.

If you have ever seen Three Sheets, then you've got to go.  You'll have a great time.  His opening act is a comedian named Marc Ryan.  I've never heard of him either, but he's pretty damned funny.  After that, some poor schmoe in a Pleepleus costume comes out and does a few minutes of jokes.  Next is Steve McKenna , who does about 5 minutes of material, which basically consists of him drinking.  That's not a disappointing thing.  He's Steve McKenna, the quentisential drunk friend.  After that, Zane's act is basically a power point lesson on booze.  Good stuff.

If you like to have comedians make fun of you at their show.  I recommend that you wear a t-shirt with kittens on it.  You will be the center of attention.

I have to give the Newport Music Hall props for selling 32 oz Columbus Pale Drafts for $7.50.  That's a great concert bargain.

Grade: A

It tastes good, but it's the wrong shade of yellow

My friend Taylor over at Wine Enclave put up a post a while back about how he felt ripped off by buying a several bottles of wine that were highly rated by both Robert Park and Wine Advocate.  It made me wonder about the numbers behind these rating systems.

The 100 point wine scales is shrouded in mystery.  The higher the better.  Over 90 and its good.  That's all that I can tell you.  I find the categories on the beer sites like Beer Advocate and Beer Rating to be somewhat amusing.

Here are the factors at Beer Advocate.

Look: Who cares
Smell: Important
Taste: Important
Feel: Occassionaly interesting, but ultimately irrelevant.
Drink: Redudant combination of taste and feel.

Here at Two Parts Rye, our crack panel of experts, me, go by the tried and true method of I'm always right.  I have yet to disagree with any of my ratings.

There is one case where look is important.  Vino Verde.  It looks like bottled water.  Guess what it tastes like?

Wyoming is officially the lamest state in America

Google Analytics has spoken.

Wyoming is the only state that has not visited Two Parts Rye.

Wry Observations: Fatherhood

The Baby Rye arrived a couple of weeks ago.  I find that the early days of parenthood leave you feeling like you've been on a 6 day bender.  You're incoherent, dehydrated and smelly.

Don't worry my faithful reader.  My liver may be healing, but I'll still be supplying smart-assed reviews and sports observations.  In case your wondering, the boy's favorite cocktail is the slippery nipple.  Isn't that right buddy?

Not funny Dad.

Two Parts Wry Observations Tiger, Tiger

Tiger, Tiger not so bright
Wrecked his escalade in the night
Why were you out at 2 AM?
You got your ass whipped by Elin

She grabbed a club and yelled fore!
Tiger ran out the door
Hit a hydrant and a tree
Damn you caller ID

If privacy is your wish
No scars forming the Nike swish
You let girlfriend call your home
Think with your brain, not your dome

Not one or two or seven
By last count it’s eleven!
Fame is your real appeal.
They’ll get 6 figure book deals.

Your wife is hot. Swedish born
Some of those girls did porn
She moved out, tired of your shit
Why do you prefer plastic tits?

Tiger, Tiger not so bright
Wrecked his escalade in the night
Why were you out at 2 AM?
You got your ass whipped by Elin!

Two Parts Wry Observations: NFL Week 13 Groundhog Day

As I watched the Steelers blow a 4th quarter lead 3 times in the same game, I couldn't help but wonder "why am I surprised?  It's the exact same game every week.

Two Parts Rye's Guide to Surviving the Holidays

It's simple.  Be the cook.  The cook spends all day in the kitchen eating and drinking.  At the end of the day, people tell you how wonderful you are.  This Thanksgiving, I will be spending quality time with Mr. Gregory Graham and his 2006 Grenache.  I know that this is from a Christmas movie, but Grandpa Griswold said it best.

I had a lot of help from Jack Daniel's

Two Parts Wry Observations: One of these things is not like the others

I am done with my spring/summer blockbuster 2009 movie viewing.

For no particular reason, other than feel like it. I'm going to list the movies, give them a pithy phrase for an award, and match that phrase to a beer/wine/spirit. Admittedly, it's a goofy concept, but fun for me. Beware, here thar be spoilers!

The Watchmen: Almost a carbon copy. They basically filmed the comic, except they replaced the stupid ending with one that is slightly less stupid. The drink for this movie is The Yamazaki. It is a scotch style whiskey from Japan. You can almost swear that you are drinking Scotch.

Wolverine: Cliché, cliché, cliché. Really a shame, because Hugh Jackman rocks as the character, and it's got some cool stuff in it, but ultimately, you can tell it was written by a bunch of hacks. Just like the jackasses who write the labels for Brew Dog Beers.

Star Trek: Old is young again. Buckeye Beer The guys that relaunched the beer got an old-timer to tell them if they got the recipe correct. Cool story. Too bad the beer kinda sucks. The movie was good though, except for the stupid ice creature that popped up out of no-where so that Kirk could run into a cave and meet old Spock.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: Why did they change that award! I swore that I would finish watching the movies before I read the books. I know me, and I knew that I would get irked with what they changed. After I saw the Order of the Phoenix, I caved and read the books.

Why did they drop the opening scene from the book? It was exciting. When I read it, I kept thinking, I can't wait to see this in the movies. Bastards! The drink for this movie is Thomas Hardy Ale 2008. The 2007 was bitter, complex, and delicious. The 08 is syrupy. It's meant to be aged. Check back in 5, 15, and 20 years to see if it has improved.

Julie & Julia: The only chick flick that I have seen this year. And Thatcher's is really the only chick drink that I have reviewed.

District 9: Not as good as the hype, but pretty darned good. Sazerac Rye. District 9 was made out to be the greatest sci-fi concept in years. It just goes to show how low the bar has been set. It's great, but not end-all-be-all great. Sazerac is supposed to be THE RYE. It's good, but not the end-all-be-all of ryes.

Inglourious Basterds: Well made, but ultimately soulless. The first half had me riveted. But ultimately, while it's cool to kill Hitler, it makes your movie stupid and pointless. Every over-oaked Chardonnay gets this award.

And a 1-2-3, 1-2-3...

Check out this article about how particular people can be about their cocktails, down to the shape of the ice and how you shake it. I'm particularly interested in the last paragraph where it states that a Manhattan should be shaken to the beat of the foxtrot.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/26/dining/26shake.html?_r=1&ref=dining

Here's the thing. I'm of the school that you stir a Manhattan. The Manhattan has 3 ingredients, and they are all liquor. You shake up the foo-foo drinks.

And if you are going to shake to a dance step, the cha-cha would be more fun.







2 parts rye cha-cha-cha
1 part vermouth cha-cha-cha
dash of bitters cha-cha-cha

Why am I doing this? Plus a quick beer review.

I went and saw Julie and Julia as the matinee today. Very good movie. It's about food, blogging, and constant drinking. Play the "I drink when they drink" game when this comes out on DVD. You'll pass out before the film is half-over.

This is the kind of movie that can have two side-effects. People will be inspired to try to do something difficult, and blog about it. Others will stop because they suddenly feel inadequate. It's the Michael Spinks vs. Mike Tyson syndrome. You think that you are good, and then you get "knocked the fuck out" in round one.

I've cranked out 66 posts and this movie has me feeling self-reflective. Self-reflection is also an unfortunate side-effect of alcohol. At the moment, I'm stone sober. By the time I get to the end of this post, I'll probably have a small buzz. It's a drinking blog. What do you expect?

Back on topic. What in the hell is the point of this blog? I do a lot of reviews, but I don't consider myself a critic. I do critique/make fun of/rip mercilessly the marketing attached to the products. My smart-assitude (not really a word) is my hook. Who wants to read "This wine is good. I give it a B." over and over again?

Friends have said that I am a connoisseur, which is a word from which I shy away. (Proper grammar moment, at least I think so.) That word carries expectations, makes you out to be an expert, which I am definitely not. I enjoy and have opinions.

So what am I trying to do? I think that I'm trying to help people that are intimidated by the sheer number of choices out there. I'm fortunate to have a market near by that does weekly beer and wine tastings every weekend. I try 4 new wines and 4 new beers almost every week at a very cheap price. That's also why you don't see too many bad grades on this site. I don't make too many blind purchases.

Why else am I doing this? Ego is surely part of it. I hope that it's more than that. I'm the kind of person who feels good when he's made something. It can be a good meal, or a home improvement project, or db stuff for work. When you've done something well, it feels good. I kind of get that feeling from writing too. There is a small sense of accomplishment when you hit "publish post".

There's one more thing. I obviously enjoy drinking. There are so many specialized blogs for wine, beer, or cocktails. I don't want to limit myself. I'd be missing out on too much.

Update from Nov 09:  I've read about half of the Julie/Julia blog.  I can't say that I still feel inadequate as a blogger.  Gotta give her props for cooking all of those dishes in one year.  I'm just not that impressed with the material.

Didn't you promise a beer review mister sensitive? Yes I did. Thanks voice in my head.

Dogfish Head Chateau Jiahu

Label stuff: Malt bevarage brewed with honey and hawthorn fruit & fermented with grape concentrate. More details can be found here. Apparently, Indiana Jones was involved.

How does it taste? It's the Welch's grape juice of beer. If you like grape juice, this is the beer for you. It's not for me. Try their "Black & Blue" or "Red & White" instead.

Cost: $8.99 for 1 pint 9.6 fl oz.
Grade: D This was a rare blind purchase.
Cost adjusted Grade: I'm probably going to dump the bottle. Nuff said.

I have to say that I totally disagree!

First a homework assignment, read the following:
http://www.beerscribe.com/2009/07/13/the-case-against-carrying-every-craft-beer-in-your-local-store/

His general argument, it that we are getting too much of a good thing. The increased business is making life difficult for the craft breweries. I doubt that they feel the same way. Oh no! We're making too much money! The beer connoisseur knows the great products and covets their scarceness. The readily available products are pretty darned good as well. We're living in the golden age of beer drinking and I'm going to enjoy it.

I now rule the blogosphere!

That's right, multiple (two) websites are now linking to my blog.

How did that happen? True greatness always shines through. (I politely asked them to do it through e-mail.)

Tom Wark at Fermentation is the hardest blogging blogger blogging today. Say it out loud, it makes sense. He actually replied to my e-mail the same day that I sent it. So, he's also polite, which may get him kicked of the internet. One of my favorite posts can be found below.

http://fermentation.typepad.com/fermentation/2009/06/on-fathers-and-bourbon.html

Appellation beer is living the life travelling around the world drinking beer. Sounds like heaven.

Drink what you like

I'm going to list some things that are supposed to be great that I think suck. That doesn't mean that you can't like them, just stop pushing them on the rest of us.

1. Belgium beer: The yeast makes it taste like when you throw up in your mouth. Without the stomach acid.
2. Scotch: Someone took a perfectly good Irish whiskey and soaked some old shoes in the barrel. The stuff smells like stinky feet.
3. Fancy vermouth

Who cares about vermouth. I do, the blog is called two parts rye...

What is vermouth anyway? It's a fortified wine with spices.

Bold statement coming. Gallo is the only drinkable vermouth out there. I have had Martini and Rossi, Noilly Prat, Boissiere and others. They taste like ketchup mixed with cough syrup. Gallo is comparatively light and citrusy, and inexpensive.

But the others have complexity. Bull, it's a mixer.

Soapbox time. My fellow drinkers. Do not be fooled into thinking price equals quality. Leave that to the premium vodka pansies. The vermouth should bring out the rye's subtleties, not overpower them.

In praise of the parakeet

Disclaimer: I did not invent the metaphor.
Confession: I wish I had.

The 4th of July has came and went. For our family, it's adult Christmas. My wife's family reunion is at the family farm. The pre-reunion get together with the Tennessee contingent is at our house. It's a 4-5 day bender, with explosives.

No one wants a 5 day hangover. That's where the parakeet comes into play. It's based on the old practice of carrying a parakeet into the mines. They succumb to the toxic affects of gas before a human. You are starting to get the idea. When the parakeet is in trouble, it's time to call it a night.

Here's the trick, the parakeet cannot be a lite-weight. Look for a good drinker who just lost weight. 3 years ago, I was the unofficial parakeet. That year, we sampled my entire top shelf, and "cousin hollow leg" grabbed a couple of Goose Island longnecks to wash it all down. This year, he's slimmed down.

Signs that your parakeet is in trouble

1. Slurring
2. Has to climb up the stairs on all fours.
3. Gets spaced out. (That's me)
4. Brings up politics. (I don't bring it up, but when challenged, I fight back. I do the same thing when I'm sober. The big difference is, when I'm drunk. All of my points are punctuated with "Yeah, that's what I thought!")

God bless you parakeet! You know who you are.

Ranking the staples

I consider Scotch, Irish, Bourbon and Canadian to be their own category of whiskey. This ranking is a general ranking of styles. There are cognacs that I like better than most bourbons. This is looking at your typical $20-$30 bottle.

1. Bourbon. America's drink.
2. Irish. Beer is made from barley. Irish is made from barley. It's not a coincidence folks.
3. Cognac. The snootiest of the staples happens to be one of the tastiest.
4. Gin. I have drank so many G&T's, I am immune to malaria.
5. Tequila. A lot of folks feel about this like I feel about Jack Daniel's. Vomiting up your toe nails will do that to a person.
6. Scotch. I've been in denial for along time. The truth is, I'm not a fan of peat.
7. Canadian. It'll get you drunk.
8. Rum. Too sweet.
9. Brandy. Also, too sweet.
10. Vodka. For half a day, this blog was called Vodka is for girls.