Wry World of Sports: 3/5 of BoSox Rotation Finds Baseball To Be Just As Boring As You Do

We're just sitting here; waiting to die.

To the surprise of no one under the age of 70, baseball players find the game to be a dull, ponderous, soul crushing waste of time, just like the 99% of Americans not on Social Security.

Who could blame Boston Red Sox Pitchers Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, and John Lackey for drinking beer, eating chicken, and playing video games on days when they were not playing.  Fortunately, the three were available for comment.

Josh Becket: "You should see how much I have to drink to get through the days that I have to play this stupid game."

Jon Lester:  "I actually had to miss some Monday Night Football because we were playing on the same night.  How fucked up is that?"

John Lackey:  "How long is the season?  I think it's 500 games.  Feels like a million.  We start in April, and finish the world series at around... shit, I've pitched in the world series; I think it was around Christmas.  It had to be around Christmas because people were dressed in funny costumes in the stands.  Whatever, I was drunk."

Nothing

So Mrs. Rye asks:  What did you spill on the floor?  (TV Room)
Nothing!

The Nothing cocktail:

In a large rocks glass

• Add ice
• 2 shots of OYO Vanilla Bean Vodka
• 1/2 shot of Benedictine
• Top with lemon soda

She actually thought that was funny.

The Power Wry 10-10-11 BS Ranking

The Power Rye, or Power Wry, depending on my mood, is the most accurate ranking of college football available.  Each week, I feed all of the facts, figures, stats, scores and a pint of rye whiskey into the Power Rye ranking matrix.  Two days later, I pinch off a post.

1. LSU (5-0) Defeated Florida 41-11.  When you punter taunts at the end of a 40+ yard run, you're #1 in my book.
2. Alabama (5-0) Defeated Vanderbilt 44-0.  Nice to see that they are not coasting after that big victory at Penn State a few weeks ago.
3. Wisconsin (6-0) did not play. +1
4. Oklahoma (6-0) defeated Texas (55-17)  The fact that a shitty Ohio State team should have beaten Nebraska this week, lessens the Big 12 (10)'s stock.  I know that Nebraska is now in the Big 10 (12), but they've only been there for two weeks.
5. Boise St. (5-0) Defeated Fresno St 57-7.
6. Oklahoma State (5-0) Defeated Kansas 70-28.  It's a good thing for them that Mark May didn't go to Kansas.
7. Stanford (4-0) Defeated Colorado 48-7.  You drop because you beat a team that lost to Ohio State.
8. Clemson (6-0) Defeated Boston College 36-14.  Will somebody beat these guys so I can have an ACC-free top 10.
9. Arkansas (4-1) Defeated Auburn 38-14.  Does anyone miss Ryan Mallett?  Of course you don't.
10. Michigan (5-0) / Michigan State (4-1).  One of these teams will not be heard from again in this poll.  The other will also have the screen door hit them in the ass in a couple of weeks.

Pardon me, do you know where I can find some Yuengling?

It looks like they expect Columbus to be excited about Ohio finally getting Yuengling.

They are right.

Except for World-Wide-Kev, who is at most a-flutter, because he only likes the Black & Tan.

Wry World of Sports: ESPN executives shocked to find out that Hank Williams Jr is just another dumb ass redneck

Earlier today, ESPN executives announced that they are dropping Hank Williams Jr's oh-so-fresh "All my rowdy friends are coming over tonight" from Monday Night Football.  Junior apparently compared Obama to Hitler and made some other dumb-ass comments on Fox News (Gasp, shock, Fox News).

We spoke to a made-up ESPN executive earlier today for comments.

"We at ESPN are shocked to learn that Hank Williams Jr. does not support our politically correct agenda.  We would have thought that the man who sang "A Boy Named Sue", the theme song of transgenders everywhere, would be a bit more sensitive to the trouble facing our nation."  (editor's note.  "A Boy Named Sue" is actually a Johnny Cash song and is more about kicking ass than anything else.)


Neither Hank Jr, or the mountain that he did a face-plant off of could be reached for comment.

Now, if we could just get Faith Hill to say something stupid, we could get the Sunday night games started earlier too.

The Power Rye 2011 BS Rankings are Back Baby!

Hey there college football fans.  I don't know what it's been like with your program this past off-season, but man, it sure has been boring in Columbus.

• By boring, I mean that we are suffering a death by a 1000 cuts as in every week we get another not so bad NCAA violation, but the shit just adds up.

To top it off, every week I get to see the worst offensive line play in football on Saturday while watching the Bucks and on Sunday while watching the Steelers.  It's enough to make a football fan drink, which is of course why this blog exists.

For those of you who do not remember...
The Power Rye, or Power Wry, depending on my mood, is the most accurate ranking of college football available.  Each week, I feed all of the facts, figures, stats, scores and a pint of rye whiskey into the Power Rye ranking matrix.  Two days later, I pinch off a post.


One more thing SEC/Michigan/Other suck-ass school fans, the university may have vacated all of the wins from last year.  I have not.

1. Alabama (5-0) defeated Florida 38-10.  It's a what have you done for me lately ranking, and sorry LSU and Oklahoma, they had the best win this week.
2. LSU (5-0) Defeated Kentucky 35-7.  LSU had the most impressive early schedule and would have been ranked #1, if not for the fact that one of the teams that they beat was West Virginia.
3. Oklahoma (4-0) Defeated Ball State 62-6 and nobody gives a shit.
4. Wisconsin (5-0) Defeated Nebraska 48-17.  Wisconsin has taken a lot of heat for their soft non-conference schedule, but I think that it prepped them perfectly for Big 10 play.
5. Boise St (4-0) Defeated Nevada 30-10.  Do you remember the glory days of Boise in 2009 when they would have won by 40?
6. Stanford (4-0) Defeated UCLA 45-19.  Several bad NFL teams are asking you to be careful with their next qb.
7. Clemson (5-0) Defeated Va Tech 23-3.  And the football world is shocked that it actually took 5 weeks for Virginia Tech to be exposed.
8. and 9, and 10 go to SouthCaroliMichiTexArkanaBraskaTech State.  It is still to early to sort out the also-rans.

They really need to start selling alcohol at OSU Games

• It was a beautiful sight at halftime today to see all of the other teams at Ohio State come out and thank the football program for funding their crappy little sports.  Unfortunately, the football team didn't show up to say you're welcome.
• I think that in order to fix our offense, we have to start breaking tendencies, right now, we tend to suck.
• Freshman Braxton Miller got beaten like a pinata today.  The Campus Police filed charges of child endangerment in the second quarter.  Later on, they put in Joe Bauserman and charges of abusing the elderly were added.
• I'm looking forward to taking back all of the bad things that I've said about Urban Meyer on this blog.
• Speaking of assholes, Terrell Pryor was a much better qb than he ever got credit for in these parts.
• Speaking of assholes, ditto for Tressel as a coach.

Spatens! Spaten Octoberfest

Definitely pour this beer into a glass, to get rid of the cross-the-ocean skunk that you get with euro-beers.

Having said that, I really like it.  It's not too heavy and sweet, like the octoberfest beers you get in the U.S.  Light, crisp, slightly sweet finish.  Good beer to pound during the game.

Most people don't know that I have traced my genealogy back several thousand years, and I do indeed have Spaten blood in my family.  Fair warning.  Do not get between a Spaten and the ... let me count.  One... two... three... things that he loves.

D.O.M. Benedictine

Benedictine is another in a long line of great alcoholic beverages that was created by virgins.

It tastes like orange, sugar and spices, or as the label tells me, 27 spices.  I have the 1510 version, which is apparently a limited edition that tastes just like every other bottle of Benedictine.  I'll remember just how collectible it is when I throw it into the recycling bin.

It will probably take me a few years to kill it, but I want to put a dent in it.  I pulled out my NY bartenders cocktail book and found a recipe called the honeymoon.

• 4 parts apple brandy
• 2 parts benedictine
• 2 parts fresh lemon juice
• 1 tsp triple sec (another orange liqueur, very redundant)

Of course, I can never follow a recipe, plus, I have an almost empty bottle of applejack that gots-to-go.
I present the "Honeymoon is Over" cocktail. Which is pretty darn tasty.

• 3 parts applejack
• 1/2 part Benedictine
• 1/2 part Lemoncello

I am using Cousin David's lemoncello which is as follows.

• Put lemon zest into Everclear to create an extract.
• Add sugar, and I sincerely hope, water.

I think that I can feel my toenails growing.

Crème de Violette and the Aviation

Crème de Violette is one of those classic cocktail ingredients that until recently, you just couldn't find in Ohio.  Fortunately, my local store has a real lover of good drink running the liquor department, and he's actually been pushing the liquor control board to allow the good stuff to sneak in with the 500 flavored vodkas that usually get approved by the board.

Crème de Violette is sweet, flowery, with a hint of bitterness.  It's meant to be a mixer and nothing else.  The original aviation is as follows: (recipe from Oh Gosh)

2 shots gin

½ shot lemon juice

⅓ shot Maraschino

⅙ shot Crème de Violette

Now for my "Improved aviation".  Improved is a term that bloggers use to say that their version is some how better than original.  As you know, I am much more modest than that.  I need a term for this cocktail that is much more beholden to my family centered mid-western values.  Something that takes me back to my childhood when people were just more down-home good.

The I'm Making it (purple) rain bitch! cocktail.

• Barely coat the bottom of the glass with Marischino
• 1/2 shot of Crème de Violette
• 1 shot of Square One Botanical
• 1 shot of Gin
• Add ice and top with a dry Lemon Soda

Luxardo Marischino

What in the world is Luxardo Maraschino? (pronounced mar-ess-skee-no)

It is a liqueur made from marasca sour cherries.  It has so much sugar added to it, you don't know what you're tasting.  I know what it doesn't taste like.  Cherry.  It's kind of earthy, if the earth was made of sugar cane.

Why isn't the earth made of sugar cane?

It's a nice additive to cocktails; use in small doses.  There are other types of maraschinos, but I have yet to gain access to them.

Square One Botanical

This is part 2 of the ingredients for my improved Aviation.  I could list the botanicals, but why bother when they provide such a perfect picture.

It has enough complexity to qualify it as gin-like, instead of vodka, even though it has no juniper.  I think that the pear, rose, and lavender dominate. 

I've had a hard time trying to figure out what to do with this.  Most of the recipes on their website substitute Square One for gin in some classic recipes.  It has enough of a "wince factor" to make me not want to drink it straight or on the rocks.  This is caused because it is a rye based spirit, which obviously gets a thumbs up here, but rye is not to be trifled with lightly, and they could mix something else in the mash to soften the flavor.

I still recommend it.  Hell, I found a great use for it... which I will be sharing later.

Bluecoat Gin

This will be part "1 of n" reviews leading up to my improved version of a classic cocktail. 

Hint.  It rhymes with "Aviation". 

This is a great American style Gin.  Which means that it is a  London Dry done right.  It has all of the classic flavors of a London Dry, yet its much more approachable.  One of the questions that I ask myself when trying to discern the quality of a gin is... "Does it make me wince?"  This gin does not.  It has a lighter juniper flavor than your typical London Dry, with a bit of orange and other citrus notes.  It's quite nice by itself over the rocks, which is a lot more than I can say about most other gins.

Wry World of Sports Presents the Definitive Jim Tressel Time Line

Tomorrow, The Ohio State University goes before the NCAA Committee of Infractions.  There is no need to wait for the NCAA to reveal the long history of bad-bad-bad-doings of ex-Ohio State coach Jim Tressel.  Our crack staff of investigative drunks at the Wry World of Sports has already cracked the case.

• ∞ B.C.  Tressel gives God the finger.  Creates hell..

• Long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.  Tressel convinces Anakin Skywalker to kill some Yuenglings.

• 6000 B.C.  Tressel bakes Eve an Apple Pie.

• 44 B.C. Et tu Jimbo?

• September 1st 1919.  Shoeless Joe Jackson Tells Tressel that he'd "Gladly pay him Tuesday for a hamburger today."

• October 2cd, 1919.  Chicago Black Sox Scandel.
• December 5th, 1952.  Jim Tressel is born.
• October 2cd, 1963, Jimmy Tressel gets a library card in Dallas Texas.
• November 22cd, 1963.  John F Kennedy is assasinated.

• ... Premise starting to run thin...
• May 30 2011, Tressel resigns as football coach at Ohio State.  Justice!

Cocchi Vermouth di Torino

Way back in the early days of this blog, I had a rant against expensive vermouths, stating that they taste like Ketchup.  Now I've found one that's pretty darn tasty, and sadly costs $20.  Which is a far cry from the $5 that I usually shill out for Gallo.

This is a tasty vermouth.  Very sweet with a citrus and raisin flavor and a bitter finish.  In my last article, I lamented that Wathen's bourbon could not stand up to a strong vermouth.  It mixes quite well with Cocchi.  Love it. It's well worth the extra money.

Wathen's Single Barrel

I picked up this nice sipper during our family vacation at Rohoboth Beach Delaware.  There are two things that that don't have in Delaware.  Sales tax and shade.

Wathen's is made with eight generations of blah, blah, blah.  I find this one to be very spicy with a lot of oak.  You'd think that a bold bourbon like this would make a nice Manhattan, but it can't stand up to even a splash of Noilly Pratt.  Weird.

Still, it's a nice sipper.

Several Almost Empties: Sazerac 18, Elmer T Lee

OK.  This has been sitting in draft for over a week.  More almost empties to come.

Sazerac 18: This is the 2009 bottling, which is considered inferior to the 2010.  The 2010 must be something because this is quite nice.  It has a nice strong grain flavor, with a bit of vanilla sweetness, both in your initial sip and the finish.  A+.

Elmer T Lee: This bourbon comes highly recommended.  Frankly, I don't see what's the big deal.  It's smooth, which is damning with faint praise.  At least it's cheap.  C

The Wry World of Sports Congratulates Danny Noonan for Winning the 2011 US Open



This keen observation brought to you by S1T.

Wry World Of Sports: Jim Tressel Claims Another Victim

The Bowl Championship Series announced today that they have stripped USC of their 2004 National Championship.  This sanction was handed down after it was discovered by Sports Illustrated's ace reporter, George "Old News" Dohrman, that Ohio State coach Jim Tressel knew that USC runningback Reggie Bush's parents were given a luxury home by a sports agent.

"Not only did Tressel turn a blind eye to the misdeeds of his own players, he also turned a blind eye to the misdeeds of other teams.  He spread his doctrine of "La, la, la, I can't hear you." around the nation.  Wait until you hear what he knew about Cam Newton, OJ Mayo, Craig James, and Shoeless Joe Jackson.  It's just a shame that he had to drag down a man of high moral character, like Pete Carroll, down with him."

Two Parts Rye's official summer beer of 2011: Wittekerke

It's hot, it's humid, you  just got done playing softball, or mowing the lawn, and your balls are sticking to your leg.  (If they are sticking to both, seek help from a medical professional.)  You need a nice lite, summer pounder.  This is it.  It's a thinner blue moon and I love it.  It's from Belgium, and I still love it!.  I've done my research and the name has something to do with Captain Kirk.